Why Boundaries Matter in Sex and Love with Heather Claus aka Nookie

Ep 345 total of 345, season 3: Why Boundaries Matter in Sex and Love with Heather Claus aka Nookie. She is a coach, author, and educator. She just released a book (Take No Shit) about how to create better relationships with others and yourself. And yup, it involves boundaries! We discussed sexual and emotional boundaries and the importance of knowing your personal boundaries to protect yourself (and this includes potentially protecting yourself from abuse). We talked about our sexuality and who owns it? Do you own your own sexuality? Or is another enforcing unwanted boundaries on you? Or is it the media, society, or culture that influences you rather than a person enforcing boundaries on you?  We also talked about the shame and guilt that often surrounds sex in the United States (and other parts of the world too, of course). She pointed out that one of the best ways to manipulate people is to try inducing guilt and shame in them. She shared that she doesn't compromise herself in relationships, there might be negotiation, but she doesn't necessarily mean compromise, and how this created lots of backlash and anger when she declared it on social media one time, which is quite interesting.  She created a website and app for Dating Kinky (for kink, love, sex, and those seeking alternative lifestyles) and curiouser.life (which is more mainstream).

Connect with Heather, aka Miss Nookie, a longtime writer/educator in the world of love, sex, romance, and kink, and the founder of Dating Kinky/Curiouser, a website dedicated to fostering connections among its user and providing education.: https://my.curiouser.life/
http://datingkinky.com/
https://twitter.com/DatingKinky
First published on PodNation TV, then YouTube https://youtu.be/mSASIsK5sNg?si=cbVmJ94eiVwLoEu-

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Neighborhood Sex Secrets:
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https://books.ruanwillowauthor.com/neighborhoodsexsecrets
NEW RELEASE AUDIOBOOK! Sharing His Adventurous Wife: First Time Wife Share (Itty-Bitty Vixen) https://books.ruanwillowauthor.com/sharinghisadventurouswifefirsttimewifeshareittybittyvixen
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Transcript

Oh F*ck Yeah with Ruan Willow Podcast Copyright 2023 Pink Infinity Publishing. This transcript was created by YouTube so it may not be 100% accurate. Please email questions to ruanwillow@gmail.com


Episode 345 of 345, Season 3.


0:02
hello everyone this is Ruan Willow with the oh [ __ ] yeah with Ruan Willow
0:07
podcast and I'm so excited for my guest today she is so amazing she she has she
0:13
does so many things okay just wait till you hear about all this it's so so much that she does and it's huge it's
0:19
important Heather has lived a typical life she's hitched across the country
0:27
traveled and worked in a carnival for season roomed New York City with Street
0:33
people explored and taught alternative Lifestyles and more all of her experiences thus far have led her to the
0:41
belief that boundaries are the key to not only saving ourselves but our
0:48
relationships she's a big fan of amazing people enjoying love sex and romance in
0:55
a happy functional in happy and functional lives whatever that might
1:00
look like from Human to human which she is thrilled to share her
1:08
experience and knowledge of with us so thank you so much I'm so excited to talk
1:15
with you and we need to know about boundaries right so it's so nice to meet you and
1:20
welcome to my podcast thank you so much I'm super excited to be here and yes we all need to know about
1:28
boundaries right like I think that's something that we're not really taught
1:35
at least in our culture in the US and so it ends up causing a lot of problems right I I definitely agree in fact one
1:42
of the chapters in my um new book is it's not your fault and um the idea is
1:51
that we are not only not taught boundaries we are
1:56
socialized to have crap tacul boundaries when we try to stand up for ourselves
2:02
we're told to be nice to get along you know to go with the flow whatever and so
2:09
we're actually raised with um really bad models of boundaries on you know TV in
2:17
movies um you know romance is portrayed oftentimes as
2:23
stalking and so it is it is really really hard to separate
2:30
what we want from what we're taught to think that we ought to accept or have
2:39
and um it's not our fault but once we know better I do feel that each of us
2:46
has a responsibility to ourselves if not to anyone else to do
2:51
better for us to put ourselves first and make sure that we are um setting and
2:59
maintaining healthy boundaries right like I feel like we're taught basically like you said just to
3:04
be nice get along don't make a fuss and it's I think it's even worse when it comes to sex right this is even even
3:12
worse than be nice and listen to so and so or take that cookie even though you don't want it it's even worse with sex
3:19
so much so I mean it we've got these and okay so for one thing I hate the war of
3:27
the Sexes I hate this mans woman thing not only is it like a huge binary that I
3:33
don't think we need um it overgeneralizes and so but we have
3:40
people who are super sexual and are shamed for it yep we have people who are
3:46
not very sexual at all and who are shamed for it we have people who are
3:52
sexual only in specific cases and are ashamed for right you know like and then you
3:58
have people in relationships who have um different levels or different Vibes at
4:04
different times and of course what do we do we shame each other because you know it be something wrong with us so it must
4:10
be something wrong with them it's crazy what we do to each other
4:18
on oftentimes in the Name of Love related to boundaries and
4:26
especially as you said sexual boundaries and I think I just interviewed a coach a Rel sex and relationship coach from
4:32
Europe and he was saying how he's like my American clients are so different
4:38
than over here over in America it's always guilt and shame and when he said
4:43
the majority of the people over there it's how am I going to get what I want and respect what my partner needs how am
4:49
I get get what I want sexually so it's so interesting that embedded in our culture even from an outsider who who
4:56
councils people they see it rampant in yeah our culture shame and guilt shame
5:01
and guilt yeah we're um it's it's one of the and I'm I'm going to use this little
5:07
Loosely it's one of the best terms um it's one of the best techniques
5:13
to manipulate people yeah it is guilt and um you know we we're socialized to
5:22
um either be controlled or control people especially especially in American
5:29
America um that whole you know uh rugged Intrepid Adventurer thing right like we
5:35
are either in control of our Destiny or we are you know controlling other people's Destinies there is no in
5:41
between we are America right and you know talking about sex then
5:49
who's controlling your sexuality is it the media telling you what you ought to want is it the media
5:55
telling you what you ought not to want uhuh is it a girlfriend you had you know
6:02
32 years ago who said D that's gross and you've been carrying that with you for
6:08
that long like there's all of these things and yeah it it is you know I have
6:15
this thing where I like to say um I don't compromise in relationships I
6:21
do what I want and um the first time I posted a a the writing about I I it was
6:27
[ __ ] no I will not compromise and I think I think I broke the social network that day um there were so many
6:36
people who not only there I mean obviously there were people who could not understand yeah but there was a huge
6:44
group of people that not only didn't understand not only didn't believe that
6:49
that would work for them but they got angry angry I could see that tot I said
6:55
that it works that way for me like I like I was and some of them even felt like I was shaming them for not doing it
7:02
my way right and I had know like I'm like this is about me and my
7:08
relationships you have nothing to do with it because I'm not SC [Laughter]
7:14
you so yeah it's built into us not only do we take not only do we take guilt and
7:21
shame from our parents and from people who love us we actually apparently go online looking for guilt and shame to
7:27
accept from other people people about how we may or may not be doing our relationships correctly that's insane it
7:35
is and I and I talk about that even like in in my book in the um emotional
7:41
boundaries chapter I talk about emotions on social media oh yes how do you
7:48
protect who you are from everything that's out there
7:54
right and you know we have we said the name of your book yet I feel like we didn't say it yeah
8:00
haven't we're slacking we better do that it's uh take no [ __ ] um build better
8:09
boundaries um build better relationships through discovering creating and
8:14
maintaining healthy boundaries in three sometimes five simple steps so it's all
8:22
about creating a better relationship with others and ultimately creating a better relationship with yourself
8:30
and I think we need to mention to orient people what it is you do in your website because I think that's important for
8:36
people to know right yeah so I have I have two sites um the one you're specifically think thinking about is
8:43
dating kinky yes I have a dating app and website for um kinky people uh built by
8:51
kingsters for kingsters and um I do a lot of
8:57
Education like love sex romance Kink education uh I have spent a lot of time
9:05
over 30 years in alternative Lifestyles and
9:11
um I guess more than anything that tells me exactly why we need better boundaries
9:16
right not just not just for our relationships but all these fun freaky
9:22
ways that we like to get our play on um and then I also have curious or. life
9:28
which is a little more vanilla a little more mainstream it's
9:36
you want more out of your love sex and romance you're curiouser and uh this book I take no
9:44
[ __ ] is published under that particular label and is um the idea is to get it
9:52
out there into the hands of people who need it everywhere around the world whether they identify as kinky or Uber
10:00
Christian or whatever we all need better boundaries and then I use examples from
10:07
all my different walks of life to highlight you know sexual boundaries
10:13
let's talk sexual boundaries for a second Kink right sexual boundary and kink might be I don't do
10:20
asphixiation I feel that it's outside of my risk profile whereas a sexual
10:25
boundary um for somebody who is particularly religious might be I don't
10:32
have sex before marriage right and a sexual boundary for someone who is
10:39
younger might be I don't go beyond second base right so all of these things
10:46
are sexual boundaries and the thing that makes them sexual boundaries is not whether or not you know I put my hand on
10:52
your shoulder or you know touch your throat it's the intent of this this is a sexual
11:01
engagement so what happens when your partner puts their bound their sexual and relationship boundaries on you give
11:09
me an example and I will give you an example right back okay um someone who
11:14
believes that you shouldn't share too much online about your sexual experiences and they get
11:21
angry with you yet this is something you desire to do you enjoy you like to be
11:27
open but they get angry with you every time you post something that they don't
11:32
agree with oh yeah okay this is this is a good one because the these are the
11:37
these are the sorts of things when when people join my book uh or join my book join my app dating kinky they actually
11:44
get a copy of my book dating kinky and one of the parts of the book is how out
11:50
are you and when you connect with a partner how out are they because that
11:56
could be a big mismatch right there right so let's talk about this let's talk about this in the in the context of
12:02
the five steps so the five steps are set it say it review it and then you may not
12:10
do it need to do anything else but then there's repeat it and change if you need more so if we set this boundary so what
12:18
we have to do for ourselves is say what am I willing to
12:26
do online what makes me comfortable so I'm going to play the part of the person
12:33
who has a partner who is way out there okay right like posting all the pictures
12:40
doing all the things and I'm feeling a little uncomfortable here yes so the
12:45
first thing I have to do is figure out okay what's uncomfortable about this for
12:51
me what is the stopping point the Line in the Sand right I need to figure this
12:57
out I need to set my boundary because if I can't articulate it to me then articulating it to my partner
13:05
could be challenging right yes so first
13:10
I have to articulate it to myself so I'm going to say I don't mind
13:17
you verbally talking about your
13:23
escapades on you know these particular sites devoted
13:30
to Alternative sexuality and Lifestyles right I would prefer and this is where
13:39
I'm saying it I would prefer that you don't include
13:44
photos especially of me with those posts and I would also
13:52
prefer I would feel safer if you kept that content to these specific sites and
13:58
didn't put it up on Facebook where you're friends with my boss or my mother
14:06
or the attorney who is handling my divorce right like right so say it so
14:14
first we've said it for ourselves then we say it then the next step is to review it
14:22
does our partner immediately put forth effort to meeting
14:28
us where we are does our partner say okay and then
14:35
continues doing whatever they're doing or does our partner simply
14:41
say you do not have a right to determine how
14:47
I live my life right which honestly is
14:54
true and it tells you that they are setting a boundary yes that you're now going to have to deal
15:02
with one way or another so the next step assuming that everything isn't like oh
15:08
shizel I didn't realize let me take that down and I'll absolutely you
15:15
know live within you know your boundaries because I love you and I care
15:20
about you and I want us to build a life together you know if if something successful like that doesn't happen then
15:26
the next step is repeat it so then we we talk and you know if they say well you
15:32
know what you don't have a right to do this then what we can say isw I do have
15:37
a right to ask you not to mention me by name or put up photos of
15:44
me um and I would still feel uncomfortable
15:50
since we are partners and we are known to be you know
15:56
Partners if you do it on the these places because um you know here in North
16:02
Carolina for example we have a moral clause on our work contracts you know things like that have that discussion
16:09
see where it goes and then review again and then your
16:16
last step if things don't get to where you need them to be or where you asked
16:21
for them to be in that particular case um is change and you can either
16:29
change what you're willing to accept right or change your
16:35
relationship and that's it's hard yeah
16:41
but when it comes right down to it if the two of you are so radically
16:46
different yeah in how you're going to live that part of your life that you can't reach something that and I won't
16:54
even use the word compromise to me it's a collaborative effort two people coming together to create the best possible
17:01
solution for both not I'll give you this and I'll be unhappy about it if you give me that and you're unhappy about it like
17:08
right how do we make this [ __ ] balls amazing for both us and if we can't do
17:13
that then what are we even doing right right and it it the the word that keeps
17:18
popping in my head and rolling around in there is negotiation this is a negotiation absolutely and but it can't
17:26
be where it has to be acceptable on both ends right like it can't be someone just
17:33
giving up what they want just to please the other one because there's not anything good going to come from that
17:38
there's going to be resentment there's going to be anger there's going to be maybe Outburst because hey you did that
17:45
again and I don't like that so yeah I think it's a way of figuring out do you still
17:51
mesh and it's no different from you know what we've got going on right here right I'm on video your tips are on video know
17:59
right they are that's and that's fine right like otherwise it's if we're not
18:05
able to find a solution maybe the solution to that previous issue is if
18:11
you are willing to run two accounts and have one of them be anonymous and only
18:18
accessible to people that we already know are you know aware of who we are
18:24
and then to total and complete strangers that's fine right um there's a lot of
18:30
ways to get around something like that once you again set the boundary you know
18:36
why it's an issue for you you know what the issues are and then you can talk with your partner about what do they get
18:43
out of this that they would be missing if they didn't do it and how can we get
18:50
that feeling and still meet each other's
18:56
needs right now in I to what I would think is when
19:03
one person really exerts themselves it can start to travel into abuse right
19:10
like if they're saying you know I mean because that's the you know
19:16
these are great things to say but if there's abuse involved you you're not going to be able to reach an an agreement right you're not going to be
19:22
able to negotiate [ __ ] well yes and
19:27
savvy abusers will give you the teeny tiny things so you feel like you've
19:32
actually got somebody who's working with you and then will come down hard and invalidate your feelings on the things
19:38
that are really important to them yeah so one of the things that I talk about
19:43
and you know this is this is related to abuse and
19:48
sexuality is that if we as individuals all take some
19:56
time to Fig figure out what our boundaries are for
20:03
ourselves it's so much harder for another person to
20:12
emotionally abuse us to manipulate us to
20:18
convince us yes because we know what our boundaries are right so yeah that's the
20:25
funny thing is that I've actually got this this little mini book that I'm working on that came out of this book so
20:32
funny story because I I you I know that you do um audio books so I'm sure you're familiar with like this process where I
20:39
decided I was GNA write this book I wrote 83 chapters and then I paused and I thought
20:47
about it for a while frankly I thought about it for like a month and I'm like I'm writing a textbook here and nobody
20:54
aside from maybe me wants to read a college po about boundaries so I went back and I
21:02
reorganized it I shuffled things all around and I changed it so that it followed these steps yes which left a
21:11
lot of content on The Cutting Room floor yes
21:18
and some of that content was the idea of like a whole chapter on what I call um
21:26
gaslighting manipulation and scunner of the worst sorts got it
21:31
and my solution to that and also fun fact this goes along with that
21:38
whole atypical life thing fun fact that um I also spent a lot of time in the
21:44
pickup artist Community back in the early 2000 odds so I learned a lot of
21:49
their like tricks and you know schemes and stuff yes and so I have this
21:56
technique for dating that I call start with no uhuh where if you're engaging in
22:04
a conversation and this would be also excellent for engaging in a conversation about
22:09
sexuality when you start those discussions those you know flirty NE
22:14
negotiations the little what do you think about this or what do you think about that always always always say no when
22:25
you mean it because sometimes were doing those little like flirtation ships right and they're like well I can't wait to
22:32
throw you down and I'm a dominant so I could like go along with
22:39
that and be like oh he but when it comes to it maybe I'll be like maybe I'll be able to stand up for myself or I could
22:47
say oh whoa there Nelly like right hold
22:52
on no throwing anyone until we have an
22:57
agreement in place because that's not how I roll with somebody I don't know
23:02
let's let's let's talk a little more hands off here let's get through the basics before we get into like you know
23:09
taking charge and picking me up and tossing me across the room shall we and
23:15
and in regular dating it could be something as simple as hey are you available on you know
23:21
Monday evening and I think no because Monday evening is usually the night that I reconnect with my nesting partner so I
23:29
say you know no but how about you know ex and I get that no I get that boundary
23:37
I get that hey I don't really did you mean to say it this way
23:42
because that comes across as a little ick to me starting with those things in that
23:51
negotiation stage of getting to know you and are we going to meet and do all of these things being being able to start
23:58
with your boundaries before you are super invested in the relationship yeah
24:05
and find out how they react because you know some of those people you're gonna
24:10
say like they're gonna write to you they're gonna be like hey baby you know I saw your picture and I really think we
24:15
should get together and I'll do things like first of all please don't call me
24:21
baby I don't own you so titling me in any way is completely inappropriate and um
24:28
why should we get together again right and some people will come back and say
24:35
uh it's just a word you stupid see you next Tuesday right and if you if that's how
24:42
they react to your boundaries then you already know right right it's like an initial screening
24:48
almost like and I feel like don't do that we don't do that we're not cultured to do that and I think that's a
24:55
fantastic idea like and I I remember somebody else talking about how sex needs to be talked about right away and
25:00
other and you know normally you people don't do that right that's like oh no
25:06
sex is way down the line that's or you know I don't know I just feel like people don't talk about sex enough and
25:12
especially initially because if you find out you're dating someone and they're totally into tying people up and you are
25:19
claustrophobic hello yeah you know sex is I you know I go with that
25:25
whole theory that um when sex is good when you're a good match and things are
25:32
going well sex is 20% of your relationship it's not a match and things
25:38
are going poorly it becomes 80% of your relationship like if you have not had
25:43
like good connective sex and orgasms and they leave the toilet seat up or she
25:50
forgets to like lock the door or you know he pulls a dumb and stays out all
25:57
night passing out at his friend's place after drinking or whatever like you are
26:02
far less likely to forgive those things yes if your sex life is in the [ __ ]
26:09
yeah yeah oh 100 percent so yeah and and talking about sex early I mean I I don't
26:14
necessarily mean that you have to like get in there and be like okay we're gonna have sex now and but you know
26:21
bringing up little things as you go along and just sort of checking little
26:27
compati abilities you know like yeah it it it does it does make a difference and
26:32
again knowing your boundaries even if that boundary is I am open to that
26:41
idea and I've never done it before so maybe right let's talk further or I
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don't know if I'm going to like that I'm willing to try it as long as you're
26:55
willing to stop if things don't feel right you know and have those
27:02
conversations I like that I like because you you know you think of boundaries like I don't want this I don't want that I do want this I don't want that but why
27:09
can't a boundary be a maybe yeah it absolutely can how you know and even something like how would you
27:17
react if we were in the middle of something and I said
27:25
stop right and some people are going to lie sure some people though aren't going to
27:32
lie right and you can whisk them right out of the possible pile very quickly
27:39
right because some people like the Uber you know I am your grandl lord dumbly puns you know um I don't care if you say
27:47
stop I am the Lord and Master and I know better than you what you want in the
27:52
bedroom run away and you're like um
27:58
BBY super simple um but it's it's also things like uh you know hey I I really
28:08
really really really love kissing like I
28:14
love kissing and if I say you know sometimes I think it's fun to just you know like get in the back seat of a car
28:22
and like make out parked at the you know park or something and if
28:27
go that's dumb I haven't done that since middle
28:33
school then to me that is somebody who feels absolutely
28:39
fine invalidating others interests and experiences and it's not somebody I want
28:44
in my life right so like I said I I posted something on
28:51
social media the other day about um on a scale of one to 10 you know how would
28:57
you rate our relationship have you ever been asked a question like this have you ever been asked that question regularly
29:05
right and if not why the hell not right and somebody got on there and in the
29:13
same response complain that they've never had anybody that cared that much
29:18
about their relationships to ask that question and said that if somebody asked
29:24
them that question like that they would laugh because that's not how you ask a question like that oh gez and I said so
29:32
it's important to be able to also create the space for people to ask questions like
29:40
this in whatever language they have available to them yeah this is the first time they're ever asking that question
29:46
and they don't get the language perfect for you right you know and you laugh at
29:51
them then they're never going to ask it again and you're G to think exact they don't care yep y
29:58
I think we shut each each other down very maybe not intentionally but we shut each other down in our relationships all
30:04
the time unless you're in a relationship where you can talk about things it's so
30:10
easy to shut the other person down and we do it because it's
30:17
um it's easier to shut them down than to feel uncomfortable right so if I said to you
30:24
you know we're laying there gasping on the sheets and oh and you know I say to you so on a
30:31
scale of one to 10 how was it and you
30:37
like don't even know what to say you know you feel that little giggly like I don't even know how to answer that right
30:42
now right what a lot of people will do is immediately say
30:48
well I've got to make them bad for asking it rather than understanding why I feel
30:54
comfortable answering it right and we have been modeled that behavior
31:01
yes in so many ways one of the um one of the chapters in troubleshooting that uh I really like
31:09
I've done a video on it as well is um would you kick a puppy would you kick a puppy would you
31:16
hit an you know a a child [ __ ] and I'm guessing the answer is no right and then
31:24
I say well why wouldn't you kick a puppy right because I don't want to okay great
31:32
so why do you hurt the person you love right and of course there's accidentally
31:39
like right you know we've all we've all tripped over a puppy and ended up kicking it down the stairs or whatever
31:44
like if you've had a puppy you have kicked a puppy accidentally they get in your feet but to do it on purpose yes to
31:52
lash out we have to realize that somewhere in inside of us we want them
32:00
to hurt the way we're hurting because that we feel that that bonds us and that
32:06
is something social again that we have been taught you know if you see the movies where somebody is like you know
32:13
we just had this amazing sex and the other person is not feeling like super
32:19
like lovey dovey and whatever a fight begins right and it's just because they
32:26
don't feel the same not because of the experience but because now I'm
32:32
uncomfortable that you are not reciprocating whatever I've built in my head yeah I'm GNA argue with you about
32:39
it instead of talking to you about it [Music]
32:44
right we have a lot of issues we do humans are
32:51
so well okay a human should be generally pretty simple but we have a tendency to
32:58
complicate everything yes right and that's fascinating to me so you know I I
33:07
dig down into that and I pick it apart and I play with it and so on and so forth but yeah we we're a mess we are a
33:16
mess all of us it can be good it can be bad it's everything in between right
33:21
sometimes we are beautiful messes sometimes we are dumpster fires exactly so say something some's trying to to
33:28
talk about a new Kink they want to try and one partner says say it's even just
33:33
something simple like say oh what would be a good example like praise kink like they really like to be you know praise
33:39
somehow you're beautiful you're so smart you're you you do that really well you
33:44
give a great blow job whatever and the other partner says well I'm just not going to do that so I can give you an
33:52
example for my own life um and it wasn't so much that I said I wanted you know I
33:57
had a praise Kink and I wanted praise but um in my marriage which was many
34:04
many many many moons go um and ended up being in an emotionally abusive marriage
34:09
but in my marriage my ex-husband did not give out
34:16
compliments and praise okay did not now at the time I was a very different person than I am now I was super like
34:24
intellectual I was not at all focused on my physical my sense of physical self or
34:30
anything that um think of me as like just one human step away from like
34:38
data right or you know like or Sheldon like I
34:43
was you know I had I had goals I had things to do and all of that other stuff that's just
34:49
frivolity okay um but he also explained to me at one point when he was talking
34:55
about someone else this this stuck with me for years he
35:02
does not give compliments because it gives people
35:07
power over him oh my wow so you can absolutely have a
35:14
praise King and if you have a partner who feels
35:19
uncomfortable giving who believes this is an intellectual boundary right I
35:25
believe that giving compliments gives others power over me and that belief
35:32
creates a whole lot of subboundaries based on building people up gives them power
35:41
over me so again you have to look at are you
35:49
going to change what you're willing to accept or are you going to change the relationship right
35:55
because when you you get down to like those core
36:01
beliefs there's not a heck of a lot you can do
36:07
to change them in others you can't change them in others they can only change them for themselves right um and
36:15
that's rough I mean I personally believe that strong
36:23
people build others up raise them to where they are and if possible boost
36:30
them Beyond oh yeah for sure where they are you know to me that's strength
36:36
that's love that's compassion um other people don't believe
36:42
that way and you can see this like uh Wolf of Wall Street right competition
36:48
cutting each other off at the knees to them that body's strength whereas I look
36:53
at that and I say well if you have to cut somebody off at the knees then you're insecure about your own position
36:58
you don't feel strong exactly so that becomes a fundamental value
37:07
mismatch yeah and then you go to the like the
37:13
five love languages right if my love language is words of affirmation which
37:18
it's one of my partner's Love Languages sure and I have a partner who's not willing to attempt to speak my language
37:25
in order to fill me up yes long term we're going to be a very very bad fit
37:32
yeah for sure and yeah and I think too like you were saying we need to pay attention to
37:38
this stuff in the beginning like instead of getting invested in a relationship and then you find out okay you know
37:45
maybe you ignore that need or that want or that desire or that particular sex act but then it's not going to go away
37:53
it's not going to be like oh okay now you don't suddenly want that I mean we do change I'm not don't get me wrong we do change but at the same time disaster
38:03
right absolutely and so one of the things I like to talk about is uh building your relationships and that
38:09
means you know your friendships your your love relationships and your sexual relationships building them in this
38:16
sweet spot and if you imagine a ven diagram you got your you know one
38:22
circle is here is what I want yep right and you got your second Circle here is
38:28
what you want and where those circles overlap that is the sweet spot right and
38:35
so if you build your relationship in The Sweet Spot and you say anything I do not
38:40
want in this relationship is not a part of our relationship anything you do not want in this relationship is not a part
38:46
of this relationship it doesn't mean it can't be a part of your life right like I don't mountain bike my partner
38:51
mountain bikes right you know great we go on trips he chooses mountain bike
38:57
places and I go hiking sure so we know what those things are but they're not a
39:04
part of our relationship it's a part of him or a part of me but the things that
39:09
are a part of our relationship we both have to want yeah and if you don't have
39:16
enough of that like and this is where for people who are non- monogamous this is where it can get
39:23
really exciting because like let's say my nesting partner and I we overlap with
39:29
here is what I want here is what he wants 85% right we are very compatible in a
39:35
ton of ways um and we still have these things that we like to do with other people
39:42
sure but let's imagine that you know you've got this and you've got this relationship and that's a big overlap
39:48
and then you've got this other bubble this is what you know they want and that
39:54
person comes into your life and they overlap with you on your um you both
40:01
collect Hedgehog figurines and you both like to go to antique fairs and you both
40:07
like to have um really runchy kinky sex and that's where you overlap so
40:14
that's where you build your relationship you don't have to go to family outings together you don't have to go see the
40:20
same movies together because you don't like the same movies you don't have to eat out together because you you know
40:26
they like fast food and you like Gourmet whatever it is but you've got these things to build this connection on and
40:35
it's up to you to decide whether that's enough of a connection for what you want to do
40:41
right and and obviously being non monogamous or monogamous is one of those
40:47
things that has to be in that sweet spot because one person can't you know what I mean you have to be okay with whichever
40:55
way that your guys are going to swing because one person can't be non- monogamous un and the other person
41:00
monogamous unless they're okay with them being non- monogamous yeah I mean that's definitely a challenge it's and this is
41:08
where um a lot of what we do like right now in
41:14
America um the whole non- monogamy movement is what I would consider in its infancy yeah because we just don't most
41:22
people just don't have the structure to really fully understand it
41:29
but let's say that um were I single and I were out like totally and
41:36
completely single no Partners at all and I were out dating and I said you know I met
41:41
somebody and I said well you know I'm non monogamist and they're like okay well you know I'm open to trying that
41:48
right so then we get together and we spend you know seven years together or whatever it is and they decide they
41:54
don't like non- monogamy they are monogamous and they don't want
41:59
me to be non- monogamous either right that's not their right right I could let
42:06
them force me but then I can't say they forced me right they can put pressure on
42:14
me we can manipulate I will take the kids I will take the money you know all
42:19
of that very wrong right but it's also
42:24
we still have this idea in America that whatever the primary
42:29
couple is that that always has to stay together no matter what and that
42:38
monogamy or non monogamy aside that's what kept me in my abusive marriage for
42:43
as long I was there it's because I thought that loving somebody that being
42:49
loyal meant you stuck with them no matter what [ __ ] they threw at you right
42:54
exactly so we need to start looking at what I would
42:59
consider completely consensual relationships yeah we are in this
43:06
because we want these things and if we start to want other things yes then we
43:13
move in other directions we might deescalate the relationship we become
43:19
co-parents yeah friends and not lovers and not married
43:27
or you know not partnered or whatever and we really really don't have good
43:33
Frameworks for that in America because a marriage is either a marriage or it's not and if you're not married
43:40
anymore and your friends with your ex spouse like people like how could you
43:46
even do that right like it's weird imagine it you know it's weird it's
43:52
strange it's not normalized like Okay so didn't work out now we have to hate each
43:58
other after spending 14 years together that's crazy why do we each
44:04
other but the pressure there and not just the external pressure but the pressure in ourselves because we believe
44:12
yeah that if we have hurt this much we cannot possibly get over it right that's
44:20
it's just not true no it's not but yeah we get fed this stuff and we believe it
44:25
and you there's the whole thing of the fighting people after they're divorced like that's that's a thing I mean it's
44:31
in you know it's in movies it's joked about it's the but of jokes all the time
44:36
and often it's considered just the norm that they're just you're not going to get along you're going to fight and you're going to be horrible to each
44:42
other and it does happen obviously um but that's also people who
44:50
I feel like I did a a talk at one point that like what is toxic any anyway because
44:57
I've been seeing and I'm sure you've seen this as well online so many people calling their exes toxic or calling them
45:03
narcissistic or you know whatever it is right
45:08
but I'm also pretty sure that everyone listening has been had at least that one
45:16
relationship where the match that they had with that other person just fit so
45:22
wrongly it was like sandpaper against their skin constantly and they became
45:28
the people they didn't want to be in that relationship sure that now mean
45:34
that they're the toxic person right no it just means that you had two people bringing out the worst in each other
45:42
yeah and we gotta let that we gotta let that ish go right like we got we gota
45:47
just say no thank you you don't want you don't want a forever love the way I do
45:55
that is a match it doesn't mean you're a horrible person exactly right you know
46:00
you don't want to be monogamous and I really have decided that I require that in order to feel whole okay that doesn't
46:09
make you a horrible person or a [ __ ] or anything like that it just makes it a mismatch we are not going to work out
46:17
right and I think yeah I think we have to be okay with that and maybe if people do get to that point that's when it's
46:23
not going to be this nasty you know fighting each other mudslinging I'm going to hurt you you're
46:29
going to hurt me even though we're not together kind of [ __ ] that you see people do I would really like to see
46:34
more like that for sure um I would I
46:40
would love to see people being more confident and
46:46
fulfilled in their relationships by being able to say hey
46:52
here's the thing that I want do you want it and they say uh no I don't think so okay for example
46:59
just a silly silly example so my girlfriend says hey would you like to come over for dinner on Thursday and I I
47:07
check my calendar and I say yes I'm free I will definitely be there what time do I need to bring anything and she'll tell
47:13
me and then I'll say is my partner invited because sometimes you when talking to me is me and sometimes you
47:20
when talking to me is you and your partner so it's my partner invited and she might say no and I say okay I'll see
47:27
you then she might say yes if she says yes then I say to my partner the next
47:34
time I'm in front of his face hey my girlfriend Trish invited us to dinner on
47:40
Thursday I'm going to go we're having Greek would you like to join us right
47:49
it's in the calendar right and it's fine if you want
47:55
to go if you don't want to go or I might say hey our mutual friend you know Jerry
48:02
Lee has been having a rough week and I'm going over on Thursday I think it would
48:07
be wonderful if you could go with me sure or you know send a little note just
48:13
to let them know you're thinking about them you know like this is how I engage
48:20
with the person that I live with I don't assume yeah he's going to go do these
48:25
things we had a a big weekend this past weekend with an out of town instructor in teaching a couple of workshops we had
48:32
two parties to go to and I said to him about two months ago I said I would really appreciate if you could take off
48:40
work on Friday and spend that weekend with me it means that you're probably going to miss most of your cycling stuff
48:48
but this is a topic that would be really important to me for you to share with me
48:54
and so he did if he said no I would understand that because he's got his own
48:59
life right right but I put my and that's part of my boundaries this is a priority
49:06
priorities are part of your boundaries this is a priority for me I would love it if you would share it with me and if
49:12
he'd said no I would you know I could have said okay can we set aside some time to go over what I learned and the
49:20
recordings so that you know we can share this together right like there's always
49:25
ways to get around these things even with the people that you think should always go to that office
49:32
holiday party with you should always be your date to the wedding whatever whatever whatever that's like no what if
49:39
they freaking hate weddings what if your greatest fantasy is like water sports
49:45
and that like icks them out beyond belief does it make them a bad person
49:51
for not wanting to try something I hate radishes right right like am I a bad
49:57
person because I don't want radishes in my salad no more am I a bad person for not wanting to pee on somebody like who
50:04
cares right just because you want it doesn't mean you have a right to get it
50:09
from me right and that's where our relationships
50:16
the this person musts fulfill everything right and if they don't
50:26
bringing this back around full circle shame and guilt yeah yeah like for instance say someone wants a particular
50:32
sex act and the other partner does not uh I'll just pick something threeome and
50:37
then the partner who really wants it really wants it the person who doesn't want it they don't want it but the
50:44
person who wants it and the other person who won't do it says no then they're hurt yeah oh yeah and also the person
50:52
who wants it is probably then feeling shame like the rejection is not just I don't want to do
50:59
this but also secretly you're kind of gross for even asking for it right which actually happens uh pretty regularly uh
51:06
there are some parties that um we have here locally that are you know more geared towards alternative Lifestyles
51:12
and I'll meet people um or not even people I've met but people that will sign up and say okay my partner and I
51:19
are going to come to the next one right great and they get in there and usually one partner is super active yeah because
51:27
when when we throw these parties they're very um anything goes got it so when we throw
51:35
them there's a two week orientation period for anybody who's not been to one before so they have to post an
51:41
introduction and they have to like you know engage and and so on and so forth so we can see if they're going to be a
51:47
good culture fit and usually one partner is super on top of it yep and the other
51:52
partner maybe not so much yeah yeah and what happens is usually two one or three days one to
52:01
three days before the event I get the hey we had a discussion last
52:08
night and turns out so and so the less active partner is not quite ready and
52:14
I'm really disappointed but I'm going to go with what my partner says now what happened
52:20
was partner a says hey let's do this thing and partner B thinks you know that
52:25
could be fun great so they finally get this thing they've agreed to it here are the steps that they're taking and
52:31
partner a knows that partner B has never done anything like this before but
52:37
doesn't want to bring it up in case they make partner B feel more nervous right partner b gets more nervous with each
52:44
passing day yeah because partner a is not bringing it up and talking about it
52:49
in any way that they're sure as them uhuh and they're also feeling feeling
52:55
incredibly guilty for not wanting the thing they said they wanted right then
53:00
all of this pressure builds up until like a couple of days before where they have the discussion yeah and they are
53:08
like this person is finally honest I have been you know my anxiety has been building for two weeks ever since I said
53:13
yes and I just don't see how this can work and Y Yad Y and partner a has been trying to avoid this right deep down
53:22
inside they know that this could potentially happen so they been trying not to talk about it at all yeah
53:28
eggshells right or even to talk about it sometimes they do the whole thing I'm going to talk about it constantly but only in super positive ways like how
53:36
much fun is this gonna be this is gonna be super great pep talk yeah
53:41
whereas and this is a a little workshop that somebody here locally and I are going to be putting together what they
53:49
really need to do is say okay we want to do this thing what are my boundaries what are
53:57
your boundaries and then going into this thing that we've never done before
54:02
yeah what are the boundaries that we're going to set around our shared
54:09
experience sure right and that might be something as simple as this first one we
54:16
are going to go and socialize and do
54:21
nothing else right we're just going to go and check can't get out and if either
54:26
one of us feels uncomfortable we'll just leave simple right but they don't have that
54:33
discussion yeah because person a is terrified if they have that discussion it's G to end up no right and person B
54:41
is terrified if they bring it up that person a might try to pressure them or whatever so they kind of like wait until
54:48
like they get up the courage to finally blurt it out and by then it's pressurized yeah
54:56
what I see is it's we need to respect each other as individuals rather than we're a couple we're a unit you know
55:04
like always yeah yeah and I think that's where a lot of the problem comes in like you know assumptions you had you know
55:10
we're married you have to do this or oh you have to come with me to this party we need to get more of a mindset where
55:17
we're individuals and respect each other for who we are instead of this is my idea of what you are this is what my
55:23
idea of is a marriage is yeah just feel like it's just it's all [ __ ] up and to
55:28
go to go back to the sex thing we have to be individuals we have
55:36
to respect our individuality and our autonomy because it is impossible to be
55:43
passionate without separation right it's if if we're making
55:49
love to somebody that is that we feel is like a brother exactly yes you know or
55:56
or you know somebody that we think we know as well as we know ourselves like that's masturbation that's not passion it's not
56:04
AOS it's not coming together in a flame of excitement and you know desire
56:14
it's yeah yeah it's EXA exactly right that's like yeah your your siblings yeah
56:21
or besties like platonic besties and there's nothing wrong with having you know a big a big thing these days is the
56:28
queer platonic partnership right sure we live together we don't have sex we are the best of friends there is nothing
56:34
wrong with that right unless that's not what either of you want right exactly
56:41
and then there's everything wrong with that because you both want something else and you just don't know how to get
56:46
there and that's also where setting your boundaries matter not just these are the things I don't want but these are the
56:53
things I want to prioritize in my life life and these are the things I'd like to prioritize in my life with you if
56:59
you're amenable to that right right you know and I before I really
57:06
embarked on my journey of what I'm doing now I didn't really know a lot about the whole BDSM Community Dom sub all that
57:13
kind of stuff and now that I know it's like that model is so much better than
57:19
the way the rest of the world is yet the rest of the world looks at it like it's evil bad abusive and it's so interesting
57:26
to me that having been on both sides of it to see how really we should be doing it total talking about it total
57:33
negotiation all the time and yet the majority of American I can't say that
57:38
the vanilla people the people who don't understand Dom sub relationships and that kind of stuff they they see it so
57:44
differently yet that's the way it really should be done I think that
57:49
um Kink relationships absolutely have a leg up when it comes to
57:57
negotiations yeah and that's just one step right we're
58:04
still like Americans and kink relationships then you know okay we've negotiated our relationships and we've
58:10
negotiated our scenes but we still have a crap ton of like installed beliefs
58:17
yeah you know like autonomous systems that just work without us even thinking
58:23
about it until you know we're we're stuck and we're frustrated and we're like but I thought X and the other
58:30
person's like you never said X right
58:36
so it like like I it is a step it's absolutely a step and that's one of the things I do talk about in the book is
58:42
negotiate your relationships and understand you know how safe words work
58:47
and you know the idea of yes no maybe when it comes to things you might want to try um and
58:56
and even with all of those things if you ask 20 kingsters to Ray
59:06
you know their boundaries on a scale of one to 10 we're going to get 19 of them
59:14
probably below an eight like because people are still people doing those
59:21
things and they still like haven't been social with good boundaries and they can almost
59:26
all tell you a bad experience or a bad relationship or something that happened
59:32
as a result of having poor boundaries right it's hard and and and one thing it
59:39
just popped in my head I don't know why I did but say some say there's a couple and they never really talked about stuff
59:45
and then one day one of them finally feels comfortable to say something whether it be a hidden Kink or an
59:52
orientation and then the other person is pissed because you never told me that I
59:57
didn't know you were that way I mean you know again this is this is just
1:00:03
assumptions and disrespecting that people are separate people but how do people navigate that especially when
1:00:09
someone totally shames and like I didn't if I knew you were like that I would have never even married you yeah well I
1:00:17
mean so there's there's two sides to that first of all if somebody hides that part of
1:00:25
themselves throughout an entire relationship they've got to take some of
1:00:31
that Firepower right like it's it and this is one of the things so when I talk
1:00:37
about boundaries in in my book I talk about um the original title for the book was boundaries are sexy as [ __ ] okay
1:00:44
because I believe that the people who are the most magnetic the most
1:00:49
attractive in non-physical ways are the people who have the strongest and
1:00:55
healthiest boundaries because they're protecting the bits that they want and
1:01:01
they're keeping out the bits they don't want so they have more energy and power for the people and things that are
1:01:07
important to them sure um and so I also talk about you know people with good
1:01:13
boundaries know exactly who they are yeah and are willing to stand up for
1:01:19
that in their lives so if somebody's been hired ing it you know for 20 years
1:01:26
of marriage that's definitely they they they deserve a bit of that um come on
1:01:35
now that said if somebody has dis discovered something
1:01:43
right about themselves
1:01:48
right in a good healthy relationship and this is incredibly
1:01:56
rare right but in a good healthy relationship as soon as they come across
1:02:01
something on the Internet or wherever that intrigues them it's gonna come up
1:02:06
over dinner yeah like they're not gonna wait for months they're not GNA wait for years because they've got a good healthy
1:02:13
relationship and they're communicating yep right but if they don't have that then
1:02:19
you know like the previous scenario with a couple you know person B is going to hold that in and hold that in and hold
1:02:25
that in until all of a sudden like they're sitting at the dinner table and they're like I want to wear diapers
1:02:33
right and everybody's like uh what what
1:02:38
well you know I didn't want to say anything because you know I ran across this thing like three
1:02:43
years right you know like whereas at the beginning it could have been hey I ran
1:02:50
across this thing and diapers I'm like oh you know I'm not so much into that but you know if that's your thing do it
1:02:56
I'd love to make sure that you know like we're talking about it and if you feel a need to do the
1:03:02
things but the challenge that we have with that is that's a very healthy
1:03:07
response and a very healthy relationship yes and oftentimes the person who is
1:03:13
holding these things in is is also not able to give those kind of healthy
1:03:18
responses to their partner who wants things yeah so it ends up like you know
1:03:24
because you know we hear about this a lot well I said to my partner that I wanted this thing and they told me I was a sicko right okay and you know you were
1:03:33
together for you know 10 years did you Foster a relationship in which your
1:03:39
partner could tell you anything right and you would accept them because I mean
1:03:45
and maybe once in a while okay you know the one person is perfect and the other person is not I doubt it because if the
1:03:52
one person had really good boundaries and autonomy the other person didn't they would find out they weren't a fit
1:03:57
right but it takes two to tango yeah right and
1:04:05
ultimately we have to realize that if there's something about us that is
1:04:10
important for our partner to know we tell them and and if there's something
1:04:17
about us that is not important for our partner to know it is our right yes to maintain that privately for elves it's
1:04:25
none of their business we can tell them but we don't have to tell our partners everything right right it's a balance
1:04:34
and right now I feel like the balance in America is far more IM
1:04:41
mesed than it is autonomous yes and that's a problem and that's why
1:04:49
when I decided to start working on this it's a huge project that I'm working on
1:04:55
called lucky and love and I decided to work on boundaries first because without boundaries the
1:05:03
next one which is um actions speak louder than words or do they how we kill
1:05:08
our Relationships by talking too much um if we can't go into conversations as two
1:05:16
separate individuals understanding that we both have different what I what is often
1:05:23
called exir we have different beliefs definitions and experiences around words
1:05:29
for example if we don't if we can't honor that in each other then the
1:05:35
conversations we have are dead in the water yeah I was just going to say it's dead yeah yeah so all of this like it's
1:05:42
gonna build all from the boundaries because we have to get right with ourselves before we can do all of this
1:05:50
other stuff and frankly one of the biggest most most important parts of my
1:05:57
book is boundaries and ethics are flip sides of the same coin how you treat other people's
1:06:04
boundaries and other people's autonomy will often inform how well you stand up for your
1:06:12
own yeah and vice versa and if you're the type of person and I I mean I'm
1:06:19
going to raise my hand I've been there passive aggressive yeah that's the
1:06:26
covert contract of I'm going to say I'm going to do what you want to see if I'm
1:06:32
G to get what I want in return and when I don't I'm gonna get pissy right right
1:06:38
like that's and all of us have played that game and once you look at it from
1:06:44
that perspective and you say I'm not standing up for my boundaries and I'm also not honoring theirs I am lying to
1:06:52
them right I am pretending that I am happy to do this
1:06:57
thing or whatever in the hopes that they're going to give me that thing I want often without even telling them
1:07:02
what the thing is right once you realize that you have played these games you have not taken no for an answer you have
1:07:10
manipulated people and tried to convince them to do things you wanted even though they didn't want to who the hell wants
1:07:15
to be in a relationship having sex with somebody who doesn't want to have sex with them right that's wrong and yet
1:07:22
every single one of them has tried to talk somebody into some kind of sex they
1:07:28
initially said they didn't want right even if it wasn't a big thing oh come on
1:07:33
you know you know just let me bite you a little bit right here it's just so just or wa zerberts in the boobs right
1:07:40
raspberry tummy like we've all all of us have done it and as soon as you realize
1:07:46
that and you realize that you push other people's boundaries in shitty ways on a pretty regular basis then you realize
1:07:53
why you're not standing standing up for your own right I think it takes confidence too to stand up for your own
1:07:58
boundaries like you know if you feel like you don't if you don't feel
1:08:03
confident in your own boundaries it's pretty hard to enforce them
1:08:10
and enforcing your boundaries builds confidence yeah confidence is literally
1:08:16
saying to yourself I will do this for myself and then doing it that is
1:08:21
self-confidence right there I have a right to this boundary and then
1:08:26
enforcing it gives you the right to the boundary yeah it's like
1:08:32
it's a virtuous cycle and then breaking your own boundaries stomping them before
1:08:38
other people can which we often do that right we set a boundary and then before the other person even gets pushy we're
1:08:43
like oh maybe they won't like it if I say that so I'm not even gonna do it yeah you know and that creates a lack of
1:08:51
confidence because we are crushing ourselves yes yes I'm less important so
1:08:59
yeah so then it just squishes you down further yeah so it takes I and I would even say it doesn't necessarily take
1:09:05
confidence if all you have is you sitting right there it takes
1:09:11
hope optimism right and in the workshop that
1:09:17
I do the take no [ __ ] Workshop um one of the things we talk about is buildering
1:09:23
what I call uh rules and laws so a rule is if somebody touches on this boundary
1:09:30
I will say and do this a law in this particular sense
1:09:37
is I I have been told by Heather AKA Nookie right that if somebody does this
1:09:46
to my boundary I can say that yeah so a
1:09:51
law is something somebody else has given in you somebody you trust and I like
1:09:57
girl the next time that happens you do this sure right because some people are
1:10:04
really good at following other people's directions or doing it for someone else
1:10:10
and not so much for themselves at the beginning right so having that law means
1:10:15
you don't have to have optimism you don't have to have confidence you don't have to anything all you have to do is
1:10:21
say I'm willing to do this because they told me it would work right right so
1:10:28
that's where you know digging a little deeper into sometimes the book is a lot
1:10:33
and will help people in numerous ways the workshop is more because some people
1:10:40
need that handholding and then I also do one-on-one coaching for the people who
1:10:45
are like I need I need to supercharge this I need more get this like going
1:10:51
right freaking now but here's a fun thing that I'm doing for the workshop so the workshop's normally
1:10:58
$197 okay if people buy the book which digital on Amazon is
1:11:04
$9.99 okay um right now anyway and if they buy the book they get $20 off the
1:11:10
workshop oh wait there's more I just decided this so this you're the first
1:11:15
one to hear about this um at least of the time of the recording and um so I
1:11:22
decided that the Workshop is so important to me because it's a group thing okay um and I think it'd be so
1:11:27
helpful to so many people that if people want to they can go on to uh my website
1:11:33
my.cu user. lifee they can find the link that takes them to
1:11:39
um spread the word and if they spread the word there's a way you can sign up
1:11:44
for to spread the word about take no [ __ ] the book and just signing up gets
1:11:50
you Five Points um you know sharing to Facebook gets you 10 points whatever there whole bunch of things take a
1:11:56
picture of yourself with your take no [ __ ] book and upload it for 10 points each entry point is $1 off of the take
1:12:06
no [ __ ] Workshop oh nice so you know if people are willing to share all over the
1:12:12
place and tell people about it and send me links to it or send screenshots to it or whatever you know theoretically they
1:12:19
could get the entire workshop at no cost by stressing the word about the book to
1:12:25
other people intriguing that's a fantastic idea they can work for it yeah
1:12:30
they can like every who who doesn't like every time I've talked to somebody about
1:12:35
this you know they've said something along the lines of people need better boundaries I'm gonna tell you know I
1:12:41
know at least five people or I'm gonna send to get your book and I actually had one person say as soon as your print
1:12:47
book comes out I'm buying seven copies fors person
1:12:54
yeah like so spreading the word about boundaries also for those people who
1:13:01
might be interested um my.cu or. lifee has it's a
1:13:07
it's a previous version so it's not fully edited and so on and so forth but it has the first 100 pages of my book in
1:13:16
PDF format that you can download as a sample nice and just see if you like it
1:13:22
and I am convinced that everyone's and not only download it as a sample you don't even
1:13:27
have to give me your email address that's separate if you want to give me your email address you can do that but
1:13:33
if you just want to download that book all stealth likee and see like I is talking about but you know oh oh
1:13:41
oh yeah maybe I need this book maybe I also need to send this
1:13:47
along to somebody else I know right exactly because I am that confident that
1:13:52
anybody who wants wants to know more about boundaries who has any interest in this book at all after reading those
1:13:58
first hundred pages are going to be like I need the rest because out of the six
1:14:03
types of boundaries in that book is included emotional boundaries and intellectual boundaries physical boundaries sexual boundaries material
1:14:10
boundaries and um time boundaries are in the rest of the book
1:14:16
along with the other steps so there's a lot of information that I'm giving away
1:14:22
because I know that once you realize how much you can know about your boundaries yes you're going to want the rest of it
1:14:30
oh absolutely and it's it's great to break it down like that because some people might not be thinking of different kinds of boundaries so that's
1:14:36
a great way to put it out there for people to to just dissect and just get their brain around it but before we end
1:14:43
I did want to ask you a question maybe you're a good person to ask this how many people do you think in America are
1:14:50
actually kinky because some people who are normal think it's rare or
1:14:58
uncommon what's your your response to such a thing so this is a great question
1:15:05
because when I started dating kinky of course and I was talking to like investors and so on and so forth I had
1:15:11
to do research and there were no clear numbers so I have I have two things I'm
1:15:17
going to share and I'm actually going to look one of them up so that I get it exactly right because um
1:15:25
there is a definition that I use specifically to
1:15:31
Define kinky so I'm gonna use that definition and then I'm going to tell you what um I figured out okay if you go
1:15:39
to Google right now and you and you type in Define kinky you'll probably get the following two definitions one involving
1:15:47
or given to unusual sexual behavior right two having Kinks or twists
1:15:54
so at dating kinky I chose the definition um that started with one but
1:16:00
combines in the second and throws in a bit more okay kinky is something greater than the straight and narrow a
1:16:06
flexibility in how you view and navigate the world kinky is different than your
1:16:12
average person opened up to more possibilities especially but not
1:16:17
necessarily in relation to sex okay okay so if we use that as a base definition
1:16:25
then we could imagine that at least the top 35% or
1:16:32
bottom 35% depending on how you look at the word kinky um of people our are
1:16:38
kinky in some significant way sure right and if you break that
1:16:46
apart and don't even think about it in the sense of this person thinks of
1:16:52
themselves as kinky like identifies as kinky that's one of the challenges that we have with this number is a lot of
1:16:59
people don't identify as kinky a yeah but do kinky things or have kinky
1:17:07
desires if you look at it from that standpoint I would say that the numbers
1:17:14
actually flipped yeah and about 65% of people have a kink or a fetish that they
1:17:26
enjoy whether or not they participate in a lifestyle that connects them to others
1:17:33
sure sure so because like if you think about like
1:17:39
average nobody the the special snowflake thing everybody says nobody is special and I
1:17:47
say everybody is special in some way uhhuh I agree with you there was a a
1:17:53
little book that I loved it was a little book about paradoxes I think it was called Aha and um the one of the
1:18:00
paradoxes that really struck me was the most boring person in the
1:18:08
world except that as soon as somebody is labeled the most boring person in the
1:18:13
world they're more interesting uhuh second most boring person in the world
1:18:19
true so and the desider says there will always be greater and lesser persons
1:18:25
than yourself right so we all are completely average in probably 80 85% of
1:18:34
the ways that we are and in that 15% I would say
1:18:40
that 65% of humans or more have at least one thing that is completely
1:18:49
extraordinary about them oh yeah that and probably one other thing that's
1:18:54
specifically related to sex whether they admit that out loud or not so that's kind of my theory which is
1:19:01
one of the reasons that I try to be as open and accepting of
1:19:08
anyone I if they're a virgin I don't care if they never ever want to have sex
1:19:13
I don't care sex to me sexual pleasure to me is what is good for you yeah and
1:19:20
as long as you don't har another human right in order to do that
1:19:28
you can hurt them because that can be consensual but right Haring them yeah
1:19:33
it's different yeah you know I I I work with people who have a lot of different
1:19:39
fetishes who you know I work with people who have gotten to you know multiple decades without ever having sex and they
1:19:46
want to but they haven't figured it out yet I work with people I've known people in the lifestyle who would do impact
1:19:53
play and enjoy Kink but would not have sex until marriage like this is all fine
1:20:00
right right I accept everybody's view of their life from
1:20:06
their individual perspective sure and then I hope to honor them in you know
1:20:14
coaching or my writing or whatever in helping them get exactly what they want
1:20:22
with people who want it with them right just a giant acceptance rather
1:20:29
than any kind of judgment yes yeah and to me that is that's a boundary of mine
1:20:35
if anybody ever throws Judgment at me or at somebody I care about
1:20:41
uhuh that's a noo yeah because you know we're we're all special but I mean we're
1:20:49
all we all do things that require acceptance from others and a lot of the time even in Kink what
1:20:56
you're going to see is you're going to see well I accept people who are like me but those people over there doing I
1:21:02
don't know the diaper thing or the pet play thing or you know the impact thing or the hooks thing or whatever those
1:21:08
people are weird those people take it too far like H come abnormal
1:21:17
yeah that's ridiculous it is ridiculous and then that that's just it too I hate the people that are making the judgments
1:21:24
that's abnormal that's weird and and normal to me there is no normal it's a
1:21:30
stupid word I mean normal is a setting on a dryer
1:21:35
um there's a normal there's an average body temperature I run one degree cooler than
1:21:43
that there's an average blood pressure I run very very much lower than that
1:21:50
normally so when my blood pressure is at average my blood pressure is high right
1:21:55
right we all have things about us that are different that you could not look at me and say that [ __ ] her temperature
1:22:02
runs a degree lower right you're not gonna know that from looking at me
1:22:07
you're not going to know that from the way I behave in public or anything like that we are all interesting and
1:22:16
different and we're all the same in that right absolutely there been such on
1:22:22
Amazing chat well I would love it if you would tell everyone where they can find you again the name of your book and this
1:22:29
was so great I really enjoyed talking with you I really did it's so much great stuff and so needed in this world but
1:22:36
tell us where we can find you your book and social media sites or places that
1:22:41
they could connect and learn more the easiest way to find me is um my two domains so you can find uh dating kinky
1:22:48
at dating ky.com and you can find uh take no [ __ ] my
1:22:53
workshop My coaching and so on and so forth at my.cc curiouser dolie that
1:22:59
includes a link to Amazon where you can place the order um it includes a link to
1:23:05
contact me if necessary um yeah and social media links so dating ky.com or
1:23:12
my.cc curiouser dolie awesome and then I wanted to say what I love on your book cover
1:23:19
boundaries are a [ __ ] Shield right that is that's so telling of what it I mean
1:23:25
yes I just had to I had to say that at some point during this interview I'm like that is so freaking on point I did
1:23:33
some interviews with people when I decided I was gonna write a book about boundaries I did some interviews with people at different stages of their
1:23:40
boundaries Journey so that I could remind myself of some of like the
1:23:45
beginning boundaries and I could you know get perspectives from people who've had
1:23:51
different boundaries issues than I have and one of the people said that her therapist told her that boundaries are a
1:23:58
[ __ ] shield and for me I was just like I am going to use that and little the
1:24:05
little otter dressed up in Victorian clothes like with an umbrella you know and the little [ __ ] swalling is just
1:24:11
like I'm like I and for those for those who are interested in you know why we're even talking about this the entire book
1:24:16
is Illustrated soar is such a deep topic
1:24:22
that fun illustrations just like that one that you got a chance to look at are
1:24:28
throughout the entire book because nice it it's ALS it's also about twice as
1:24:36
long as a normal self-help book okay so I figure breaking it up with lots of
1:24:41
color and fun things that make you kind of giggle is definitely the way to go oh
1:24:47
for sure yeah and it just kind of like break it up a little bit and yeah just kind of loosen it up and you know hey
1:24:53
some fun stuff I I can totally see why you do that fantastic idea thank you
1:24:58
thank you amazing well thank you so much I'm so excited that we chatted and I got to learn more and what an amazing book
1:25:04
and amazing work you're doing in the world it's it's so needed so thank you so much thank you you have an amazing
1:25:11
day likewise okay bye bye



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