Pleasure, Power, and Fellatio with Sex, Love, and Relationship Coach Carla Crivaro

Ep 268: Pleasure, Power, & Fellatio with Sex, Love, Relationship Coach Carla Crivaro.  Carla had so many amazing things to share! We started out talking about how men have a lot of pressure during sex, and it in part has to do with whether they have an erection or not. We talked about how porn gets misused as education when it really is just entertainment, but our sex ed is so poor that many people turn to porn because there are no other valid options. Carla talked about the need to talk about sex very early on in dating relationships to see if the people are sexually compatible. It's hard to talk about but she suggested using a yes/no/maybe game. She discussed busting the misconception that men are unemotional and how men can feel and express feelings. They may need to unlearn things learned from cultural influence and relearn things. We discussed how our culture really messes us all up in that women are taught to not talk about sex and men are taught not to feel. This messes up our relationships! She shared her blow job course for women and how women need to connect with and be ok with their inner slut. Women can find their inner sex Queen and enjoy blow jobs, and how this really resonates and heightens oral sex for men. She discussed her history of sexual shame, which included that females were either a virgin or a whore, and there was no in-between. Women need to shed shame and embrace their sluttiness. We chatted about sex toy usage... and if women are afraid of this to examine why...such as is it really about shame? She shared about penis massage and how it's a sensual journey for both partners that may end up in a sexual act, but may not...and to be okay with whatever happens. She explained why penis massage is penis worship, that it should include compliments and how the shame of a flaccid cock can be eliminated with penis massage. She discussed ways to improve confidence. Plus, how the wide range of the desired intensity of touch varies widely amongst people. She has a sexually empowered playlist for women (Spotify). 

Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed & certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach. She works internationally with men and women helping them understand themselves & each other, sexually, relationally.

Carla has a new course for women called The Queen Of Blowjobs. It is designed to release your shame around giving head to unlock confidence in the bedroom which ripples out into all areas of your life. Experience pleasure as power and build a deeper and more intimate connection with your partner.

Course access: https://www.carlacrivaro.com/queen-of-blowjobs

Instagram: @the.sexuality.sanctuary
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/carlacrivaro
Website: www.carlacrivaro.com

Thank you to this episode's sponsors! Affiliates:
Malehanger https://www.malehanger.com/ use the code OFY10 for 10% off.
Manscaped where listeners can get 20% OFF @manscaped + Free Shipping with promo code RUANWILLOW20 at https://www.manscaped.c

Transcript

Oh F*ck Yeah with Ruan Willow Podcast Show-S3Ep268 Pleasure, Power, and Fellatio with Sex, Love, and Relationship Coach Carla Crivaro
*This transcript was generated via YouTube and so therefore it is not 100% accurate, if you have questions please email ruanwillow@gmail.com thank you.
2:04

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thank you for that message wonderful now let's get started and another thing I

3:53

want to say before we get started is don't forget to look down on the podcast show notes for links to Carla she is on

4:00

Instagram which is where I found her carlacravaro.com and she's on IGS

4:08

at the dot sexuality.sanctuary so you can check her

4:14

out but we had a great chat and we enjoyed talking face to face unfortunately you guys just get the

4:19

audio I'm sorry baby loves but that's what the platform is is audio so you get

4:25

to listen and you know nothing wrong with listening it's really delicious to listen

4:30

to two women talking about sex oh [ __ ] yeah let's [ __ ] go

4:35

I'm ready are you ready let's go hello everyone I'm so excited I have a

4:43

very interesting person here and she's gonna have a lot of things that are really helpful for men and for women as

4:50

far as sex love and relationships go her name is Carla Crivaro she is as I just said a sex love and relationship coach

4:58

for men and women she has the the queen of [ __ ] online course and she likes

5:05

to promote and talk about and bring about him people delicious sex profound love authentic relationships she is on

5:12

Instagram and that's where I found her so welcome Carla thank you for having me thank you for reaching out it was really

5:17

great to receive that message in my inbox well I'm so excited to talk with

5:23

you so we're going to touch on so people know in the beginning we're gonna talk about your the queen of [ __ ] course

5:28

we're going to talk about things for men so if you were to bring up the topmost thing that men deal with or struggle

5:36

with what would that be as far as sexual relationships go yeah so with regards to

5:41

like this sexual aspect of things I would say that the top thing that a lot of men deal with is sense of pressure

5:48

and anxiety when it comes to sex you know and I think a lot of women don't really think about this because for

5:54

women it's reasonably in inverted commas you know easy to sort of like just be

6:00

present and and be there but for men there's a lot you know pressure of having an erection and if you have an

6:07

erection when somebody's touching your penis then you know it's like she thinks that I'm not interested and I am and you

6:13

know so then it's going to affect your erection and then there's the whole thing around ejaculation of not wanting

6:19

to come too soon and then some men actually struck able to to come soon and

6:24

all of that comes from a sense of you know needing to perform and needing to yeah to behave in a particular way to

6:31

please somebody because men have been very much conditioned to be give give give give

6:36

give in the bedroom and I know a lot of women will be there going what you know

6:42

no man's ever listened to me and yeah there is that um with the orgasm gaps

6:47

but you know men always seen as the one that's doing you know they need to be doing something so they're either the

6:53

one that's thrusting or they're the ones that initiate so and that's what I mean by you know by doing not necessarily

7:00

doing always the right things or the things that somebody wants but they are they do tend to be in the sort of doing

7:06

role let's say so you know for that reason can be a lot of pressure on men to understand hang on a minute do I even

7:13

know what I'm supposed to be doing because most of us are not really very good communicators anyway and that

7:21

happens in the bedroom even less so so you know we're not going to communicate very well who needs to do the dishes

7:27

whose tentative to do the dishes so when it comes to like you know can you touch me here and not there that's even less

7:33

to eat that so men have a lot of men have this idea that they just need to know how to do things without actually

7:40

asking and you know a lot of men will touch a woman not really knowing how to do that you know the best place or how

7:46

to go about it and just fumble along doing what they've always done you get a lot of younger men sort of in their 20s

7:52

and 30s who have had a lot more internet porn so like I'm in my 40s and you know

7:58

the generation of you know men who are watching porn in their 40s it tended to be like magazines

8:04

maybe VHS completely different and now men in their 20s and 30s a lot of their

8:09

education around sex from porn which means like the way that some men are

8:14

touching women's clitoris is because I think on on porn is quite vigorous and quite rough like you know DJing moves

8:21

type of thing yeah you get men copying those actions

8:26

because they see it and think that that's what women want but a lot of that is performance you know Pawn is

8:32

performance it to you know it was to to stimulate the erotic mind so so yeah

8:38

it's not always completely but in most cases I would say it's not always um yeah true to life or you know

8:45

following a woman's arousal and also you know when you look at porn

8:50

the visual ones and I'm talking like the mass-produced ones like if you're looking at character lust and the things

8:56

that she produces completely yeah so I'm talking like you know things like PornHub that type of thing you know it's

9:04

not that gradual increase in arousal that a women you know need because it's

9:09

going to take you know most women 20 to 40 minutes of critical stimulation for them to orgasm you know men don't

9:15

necessarily need that long you know most man you like the average time for ejaculation for men is like four minutes

9:23

doing penis in vagina so you know the differences are quite long so what that means is you know before you get into

9:30

penis in vagina you need to be doing plant more before for the woman to be a similar aroused state

9:36

so it's just those sorts of things you know managing people's expectations from the lack of Education you know yeah

9:42

eight I you know I've Got Friends in the states that say that the lack of education is one of the reasons why

9:49

people go looking for plate for information in the wrong places fortunately in the UK is getting better

9:55

more education in decorative schools around things like pleasure and stuff but yeah you know if people don't have

10:01

access to that information then they're going to go looking for it aren't they unfortunately like once actually go looking for it so hopefully they come in

10:08

and find um your podcasts ruined so that they can um yeah have a listen to the people that

10:14

you've been to um exactly yeah our education is terrible over here but I was encouraged

10:19

recently when I was talking with a professor at a university and she was telling me it was on the east coast and

10:25

she was telling me all these courses they have and it was about the things you're saying and I'm like and I was like really that exists and she's like

10:31

yes she said at least at our University it's getting better so that's at least something but I think you know like you're saying it's the the younger

10:37

people and they're like they have nowhere to go so what do they do they go online and they're going to see these

10:43

things and they don't know hey that's just entertainment that's like watching a movie that's created for entertainment

10:48

this is not education and how do they know that they don't I mean you know and of course it's stimulating to them so

10:54

they're going to keep looking at it you know so it is kind of a nasty little cycle that we have going on that it's

11:01

hard to break but you know when people seek out people like you or you know maybe a list of my podcasts they can break that cycle maybe hopefully yeah

11:08

and that's the thing and you know with regards to you know because your question was around what are the problems that men face so with all this

11:15

education that men you know go out there with the wrong information doing you know the wrong things and then

11:22

now other side of that is then you get women who are like you know they meet one man who's stimulating the clitoris

11:28

in quite a rough way and then they meet a song man you're doing exactly the same thing and then the woman starts to say

11:34

to herself like I know what gets me off is me touching my clitoris in this particular way but I've come across two

11:40

different men now who do exactly the same thing and you know as a woman you can then start to question is there

11:46

something wrong with me you know right I've been to um play parties I'm non-monogamous so I've been to paper

11:53

parties and I have seen you know women being touched in ways that very clearly not pleasurable but they don't advocate

11:59

for themselves and you know part of them adaptive so many people are doing things

12:05

you know from what they see from porn that the woman it doesn't feel able to and also yeah as I was saying before a

12:11

lot of women sort of in the bedroom tend to be there to be done to and don't really feel in their sexual power to be

12:19

able to ask for what they want to be able to die direct to give feedback a lot of times you know women don't want

12:26

to do that because they don't want to upset their partner and they do the relationship so it's easier just to say

12:31

nothing and then just not have an orgasm and maybe sort themselves out later or another time so yeah like the

12:37

communication aspect is is massively huge and you know the thing is if you

12:42

can't be talking about sex within like you know the first few moments that you meet somebody you know didn't let there

12:48

need to be the birthday but one of the first few days just the general conversation yeah how you can be able to talk about it in the future because sex

12:55

is also really how we relate to each other as well so if you've got specific Kink that you really like or you know

13:02

particular way of doing things then you just I'm not going to work sexually that's something that needs to be sort

13:08

of established reasonably soon or quickly like how can we make this work together or is it just not going to work

13:15

at all you know and so those conversations are really important and I think the better that you can get talking about sex and being really

13:22

vulnerable around it what you like and what you don't like and standing in that truth because you know we all have

13:28

things that we like that possibly we have a little bit of Shame around but if you can really sort of love yourself and

13:34

accept that shame and just notice that it's there because the shame is something that you will feel because someone else has told you that that's

13:41

wrong or dirty or you know that you shouldn't be feeling that way or wanting

13:46

that so if you can you know hold yourself in that shame give you give your shame a little bit of love know

13:52

that it's there but not allow it to sort of create any projections for you then

13:57

that means that you can listen to somebody else's chairs that they might feel vulnerable and shameful about and

14:03

also hold space for that as well and it just gives this opportunity to be really vulnerable and you know when you get

14:08

vulnerable with somebody that's when you can really feel very authentic in your sexual

14:13

expression and that's when things can get really really interesting because you have this element of you know play

14:19

moving from one space to the next you know how the sexual interaction flows

14:24

because a lot of us tend to go with the whole you know do some kissing a bit of ball

14:30

play you know talking here you know heteronormative sex right penis in

14:36

vagina then ejaculation the end you know where right why does it need to follow

14:41

that let's shake it up and do something different you're able to vocalize and

14:47

talk you know you can say no I'm not ready for that just yet how about we do this instead you know you're more

14:53

willing to play and move through the sexual experience in a different way each time as well because you're

14:59

allowing your curiosity and your playfulness to to guide you and Lead You Through

15:04

yeah I mean two things I really were kept thinking about as you were talking is that so you know if you're talking

15:10

about heteronormative if male and female relationship it's like the women need to comment but they don't feel comfortable

15:16

to comment and the men need the comments so they can do the right thing so it's like there's this it doesn't even flow

15:21

you know what I mean like there's no full circle here you know like there's like a block and the other thing I love

15:27

that you said is talking about sex really early on because a lot of people don't do that that's like taboo oh no we can't talk about that that's that's

15:33

something we're not going to do yet or you know if if they don't want to have sex right away you know and I so I think

15:38

that's a really important thing to say whether you're actually going to have sex early on in a relationship or not you really should talk about it yeah I

15:46

mean it just because you bring up the conversation and sex doesn't mean that not you're going to do it or you know even in the very near future I think

15:53

just being really honest and open saying I really want to talk about you know sex and what turns you on you know right

16:00

this moment it's not this conversation isn't an invitation for us to go and house I'm just really curious you know

16:06

what are the things that you like and dislike and there's a really good game the Yes No Maybe game so if you create

16:15

your own list you can find them online I have them for my clients and you basically you know you can either sit

16:20

separately and go through the list or you can sit down together and and have a chat about all of the different things

16:27

and you know it's over example yet I would do that but not in this situation or I need to be all you know this type

16:34

of comfort to be able to do that type of activity or sometimes I would do this activity but only in certain situations

16:42

so and it just gives you the opportunity to really talk about things and also

16:47

have a bit of a giggle as well I think if you can find humor you know that always takes away those

16:54

nerves isn't it if you're able to find the humor in things and find the fun in it because that's what sex should be

17:00

about anyway shouldn't it it's about pleasure it's about fun it's about playfulness being curious

17:07

and that's the great thing you know having these conversations you get to understand sort of like the container

17:13

that you're both willing to enter into together and once you know you know if

17:18

somebody likes a finger up the bum or not you know you just know whether or not how that's going to be received because if you're not expecting

17:24

something when you receive one and you've not already discussed it that's going to be like a bit of a shock and that can throw things out but if you

17:31

both had a discussion about where fingers can and can't go and you're all alone you just have so much more flow

17:38

with curiosity and if somebody doesn't want to do something that is totally fine it's not about creating judgments

17:44

and what people like what they don't like it's about understanding the container how far we can go with things

17:50

obviously always checking with in with consent you know first as well but it just gives that opportunity for a little

17:56

bit more playfulness and just to um explore with more curiosity without wondering whether or not this is going

18:04

to be too much for the person too to boo right and I think that's really important too because if you did talk

18:09

about it then there's no chance of like someone getting offended or hurt or being like you know I didn't want that

18:15

you know that you know because that really can shut down in intimate moments if somebody does something that you

18:21

don't want that's pretty much mood killer right there you know like it's hard to get past that and continue on

18:28

you know that's a that's a hard place to be and the thing is if you've already had conversations around sex and if you

18:36

do make a mistake and do the wrong thing because you've already had the uncomfortable conversation during sex

18:42

it's easy then to have more uncomfortable conversations like oh you know I didn't you know I don't want that

18:48

or yes to that or note that might be it's easier than to discuss it because you've already dealt with a lot of the

18:55

the potential embarrassment initially and you know one of the things as well is like when you go and explore things

19:02

like BDSM like myself not massively into it but you know I know people that really go out searching for partners

19:09

thank you very much into BDSM the sort of like consent that's required to be

19:15

able to play in that space you know re the negotiations and the discussions around the scenes and everything is so

19:22

in depth and so detailed that creates this huge sense of safety for both

19:28

people a huge amount of trust of what will happen and what will happen and what won't happen and if you know we

19:35

could follow that even if you're having you know vanilla SEC if you could follow that pattern of understanding you know

19:42

someone like someone doesn't like the sense of safety and trust and being able to fully relax into the moment and take

19:50

you out of your head and completely into your body has been created because you're not wondering what if so you know

19:57

I know for a lot of people the BDSM scene is quite extreme but and you know I think it can learn a lot from

20:05

elements of sexuality that for a lot of people seem quite frightening to be because when they are done properly they

20:12

can be real sort of ways have shown us how to how to approach sex and how to interact and speak to each other around

20:19

these topics absolutely I totally agree with that I wish it was that way I mean it needs to become more of a norm

20:27

one thing I did want to talk to you about too when I was looking at your Instagram I thought this was interesting to think about how it's such a

20:33

misconception misconception out there that men are unemotional what can men do to not appear that way and how can we

20:40

change women's minds of thinking well they're just emotional unemotional I guess the same topic yeah so the

20:48

um I think the issue is man from a really young age so when they're like so when they're children for example really

20:54

young children they're pretty much told you know don't cry be a big boy you know

21:01

and then they have a lot of affection with their mothers and then it gets to a particular age where men not really

21:08

allowed to have that sort of closeness and affection to their mother it becomes something that's you know not suitable

21:14

and because men don't have the opportunity to be like that with other men you know because very often they

21:20

have brought from that you know they don't have that affection and that intimacy with their own father loving

21:25

relationship with about their feelings they can't express their feelings they're taught that they can't have

21:31

those relationships with other men so a lot of men grow up typically isolated emotionally and this is something that's

21:37

in conditioned into them from a reasonably young age as a child a lot of men didn't have if children didn't have

21:44

their fathers playing with them you know or interacting interacting with them emotionally if they fell over and cried

21:51

you know it was get back up yeah you're okay keep going you know Big Boys Don't Cry all of that sort of stuff yeah

21:57

teenagers and you know um again they don't have the opportunity

22:02

to speak about their feelings and emotions you know if they have a problem with a girl so they have a lot of these

22:07

emotions that are really really locked down and what can happen for a lot of men is you know the sadness that they're

22:13

not allowed to experience can really turn into anger and you can get them this anger being either projected

22:19

outwards towards quite often women especially when men are rejected because then it's the anger and frustration that

22:26

they're not able to address that they project onto women or they return it into themselves and what that can do is

22:33

give men a sense of attacking themselves or self-esteem the self-worth and you

22:38

can get medical and into relationships and becoming almost emasculated because they're not able to have boundaries and

22:45

stand up for themselves because they've turned their anger in on themselves rather than using that emotion as a way

22:52

to State a boundary or ask for a need because the emotional itself isn't necessarily a bad emotion

22:59

projecting it onto people isn't a positive thing but it is that anger

23:04

tells us when somebody's crossed the line or when we want something so you know understanding it and being able to

23:09

use it in the right ways it's really really important so going back to what you were saying you know the reason a

23:16

lot of my team and emotion is because they've learned to sort of block it so you know the men who are projecting it

23:22

outwards onto women just appear very irritable not caring you know

23:28

um and you know that's because they're projecting it outwards and then the men who you know become yes men who are

23:34

doing everything right that their partner asked them to do you know avoid conflict becoming totally emasculated

23:41

have you know put the anger on themselves so for women then it's really difficult because we you know grow up

23:47

we're allowed to cry most of the time for women that aren't as well but you know we're allowed to cry we can talk to

23:54

our girlfriends about how we feel when we break up with that boyfriend and you know how what he did we give each other

23:59

a hug and you know we have those sorts of relationships but you know men are

24:04

very much taught when things go wrong you get on with it you know you've got to be stoic do it by yourself you know

24:10

you need to be a leader you need to you know yeah not show any emotion basically so then when a department you're wanting

24:18

your partner to show emotion to tell you how they're feeling this is something that they have spent at least minimum

24:25

you know 20 years not knowing how to do so for them to be able to do it is extremely difficult it's just something

24:33

that's not within their capacity and it's something that a lot of men need to learn and a lot of men can really

24:38

struggle and this comes out in their sexuality as well and being able to access the emotions

24:45

that they feel because emotions are the Sensation that you experience in your body so when you have learned to

24:50

disconnect from your emotions you've learned to disconnect to the sensations in your body so what that means a lot of

24:55

men tend to focus their pleasure on their genitals because then you know it's even touching other parts of their

25:01

body because they're so disconnected from feeling in other parts of the body they really struggle to then be able to

25:06

feel Sensations and you know there is the possibility to decorate orgasm and

25:12

ejaculation so you can ex men can experience I've heard about that site yes that's

25:18

just amazing really to be able to do that you need to be very very aware of

25:24

the sensations that are happening in your body and being able to move that sexual turn on and feel it move

25:30

throughout your body and you know you can't do that as a man if you're not connected to your emotions you need to

25:35

be able to to feel everything you know and you need to be able to build an honor as well rather than it being

25:41

something that's just okay to be genitals it needs to be something that you can feel moving throughout your body

25:46

so yeah you know when I tend to work with men quite a lot you know quite often for the men who have been

25:53

emasculated it's about coming back into working with inner child allowing that

25:59

in a challenge itself doing lots of work around anger healthy expressions of

26:04

anger learning to State boundaries finding out what they want because they don't even know what they want like you

26:11

know we even have wants and desires because they've learned that to have them because you just need to get on and

26:17

do the man thing and be the providing that so yeah a lot of it is sort of unlearning lots of old patterns

26:25

returning to the body and then with time it becomes easier and it's very very

26:30

difficult for men who are doing like sexual self-development sort of work I

26:36

find that when I have to go so much more slowly than I do move them in for the

26:41

emotional aspect because when it makes sense women allow themselves to feel the pain a bit more you know something comes

26:48

up some realization you know from a past relationship or childhood memory and you

26:54

know they to be with that discomfort because they're allowed to feel the emotion when a man starts exploring that

27:00

and he starts to feel the emotion it's like oh [ __ ] you know right from my

27:05

whole life but now I'm experiencing it and it's and it's really scary so yeah for men to walk that path and do that

27:12

work is is you know takes a huge amount of bravery and courage because they're

27:18

having to unlearn so many things and also they're having to step into a world

27:24

that they have not experienced before and that's really daunting massively daunting but you don't get anywhere

27:30

without you know going to the edges of your comfort zone either that's true that's true it's just crazy thinking

27:36

about this it's like really what is happening is our culture or messes our culture [ __ ] us up women feel like

27:42

they're taught they can't talk about what they want and men are told they're not supposed to feel and so these are things that need to be

27:49

done in order for there to be a good relationship and good sex and we're taught to that that's what we're

27:55

supposed to be like so it's just crazy so you know when you say the word unlearned I'm like it's clicking around in my head like we really need to

28:01

unlearn what our culture has been shoving down our throats yeah and then the thing is as well like even though

28:09

people listening now will be like thinking in their heads yeah all of this makes sense even though creatively you

28:16

can be aware of it your body tells you something completely different because what will happen for a woman is you know

28:22

the moment that she wants to say can you do this she will get the sensation in

28:28

her body which is saying don't say what you want because you won't be loved or don't say what you want because you know

28:33

you won't have an element of safety or you know you won't belong in the community anymore if you stand out and

28:39

be different man the moment he thinks okay I'm gonna share how I'm feeling you know he then

28:46

makes sensei that he will feel in his body as he's about to do that is just so overwhelming that it's too much it's

28:52

easier not to and that's and that's where a lot of the awareness comes from not just thinking cognitively about it

28:58

but being aware of what's in your body is you try to make them move forward that there is going to be something that

29:04

that tells you not to do that some huge difficult you know maybe it's gonna be a really strong feeling in your tummy like

29:11

being punished or maybe bluttering or maybe this tension in your chest or something along those like maybe your

29:18

feet start to feel jelly-like or tingly you know because it will be some memory from the past of when you did try to do

29:25

that action and it wasn't safe to do so and your body's learned that it's not so to do it so having to encourage yourself through

29:33

those Sensations which is why you know it's important to be with them encouraging yourself through those

29:39

sensation so that then that you can stay to your nervous system no I am actually safe to ask for this or to do this and

29:45

once you've done that a few times and you've you know felt your way through it

29:50

your nervous system's like okay yeah actually this can be done and you created a new pattern and a new way of doing things and then it's just yeah

29:56

repeat that sounds great and that's something I think that it's just kind of like people

30:02

need to have a certain mindset right I mean is that how you can kind of think of it yeah so mindset in the sense of

30:08

you need to uh have courage and understand that you're going to experience discomfort for you to get two

30:16

dollars you know and one thing you know that a lot of people say is that confidence isn't something

30:22

that you're just born with you get confidence by actually doing the thing that's scary and then you build the

30:28

confidence from actually doing it and it's exactly the same thing you know you don't learn how to set a boundary by

30:34

learning everything about it you learn how to set a boundary by being with the discomfort of setting the boundary or asking for what you want you know

30:41

whatever it might be being with that discomfort and then doing it anyway you know that's

30:46

that's the mindset that you need to have that I know that I'm going to experience this and I'm going to choose to do it

30:53

anyway I'm going to push myself through it okay quick intermission for a quick word

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32:55

well I would love to move on to your topic of your course and talking about

33:01

some other things with anatomy and so what so your course is called the queen

33:07

of below jobs and so this is geared towards women correct yes it is

33:13

what are women going to learn obviously from the obvious but you know

33:20

apart from the audience there are loads of things you know like news like

33:26

magazine articles and loads of tips on the internet online you know the top 10 things to do to get your man off and how

33:32

to make him go wild in the bedroom you know from a [ __ ] and those sorts of things and what I came to understand

33:38

from my own relationship with my own sexuality my own relationship to blow jobs and also coaching men as well is

33:47

that when somebody else is really enjoying our body so I'll talk about

33:53

myself if a man is fully involved in my body and finding pleasure by touching me

34:00

that yourself is a massive turn on just the yeah and the enthusiasm to be with

34:06

me just by itself is a huge turn on yeah and also you know that enthusiasm also

34:13

tends to be you know with curiosity with playfulness so and what I found is as well from my

34:21

own personal journey is you know I well gosh I don't even know it so I like grew

34:27

up in a family and so the Italian Heritage so my sexuality was quite close

34:33

you were either like virgin or [ __ ] there was sort of like no in between waves yeah so it shut down for a long

34:38

time and for that reason I you know projected any shame I felt around my own

34:44

sexuality onto other women who were more sexually expressive uh you know doing my

34:50

own self-development work around my own sexuality what I began to learn was that by connecting to the part of me that was

34:57

really really [ __ ] and really loving her accepting her for who she was meant that

35:03

no longer was a judging of the women because I was accepting that part of myself because it was a judgment of my

35:09

own in a [ __ ] that was being projected onto the women around me so by really collecting to that study part of myself

35:15

and really loving her um that gave me so much more a sense of freedom I suppose especially

35:22

around my sexuality and my authentic expression of my sexuality and what that did is it allowed me to really enjoy

35:28

giving head because blow jobs one of the things that lots of men like

35:34

and also be seen as women who enjoy giving head is quite [ __ ] like if she really likes doing it then she's

35:39

probably a bit of a [ __ ] you know there's a thing of men really want it but at the same time you know the type

35:44

of woman who enjoys it is this type of woman and these are the issues that we receive you know as six women and also

35:51

you know this memory see though that around the women who do them as well so you're in this like you know Memoir

35:57

[ __ ] but at the same time there's the Judgment around women who do them which doesn't make

36:03

but it is yeah it is what it is unfortunately

36:08

but my own personal Journey was like once I'd really connected to my inner skirt I almost gave me permission to

36:16

enjoy giving and so I have done with the course is invited women to find out the

36:22

parts of themselves that have judgment around women who give blow jobs or around themselves or around [ __ ]

36:28

themselves or maybe it's around genitals because we have so much shame around gender I mean men get to see reasonably

36:36

easily their own genitals but I can guarantee that women have never even looked in the mirror at themselves you

36:42

know oh yeah there's a lot of women who have not that was me for many years too you know it's true you don't even really

36:49

know what you look like which is weird why don't we know that we should be looking at ourselves so and and this is the thing so we have

36:55

so many you know all of these different elements of of shame that we can carry and so what the course you know the the

37:02

reason I created it was not so much food to give tips and tricks because if a woman can learn to love the part of

37:09

herself that enjoys giving head and I called her the queen of [ __ ] because basically that part within yourself that

37:16

loves giving head is your queen of [ __ ] so as a woman sure and what you do is once you bind her you know you

37:24

embody her so you learn to become her how she moves how she you know talks how she dresses and you really get to fully

37:32

become you know that person that part within you the idea is that once you

37:37

understand that once you're able to connect to that part of yourself also there's education around around male

37:43

anatomy face and around their own performance anxiety that I talked about before so explaining about things like

37:50

non-concordance when it comes to arousal so that men I can have an erection but not be aroused but also be aroused and

37:57

not have an erection so explaining those things so that we need to take an erection or lack of as an indication of

38:03

how good whatever it is that they're doing is you know it has nothing point so you know lots of Education around

38:10

those elements because the idea is that when you feel really confident in your

38:16

own sexuality once you understand you know the anatomy that you've got in front of you you know it's white and

38:23

you've heard the conversation so there's communication exercises in there to understand what you both feel comfortable with once you've explored

38:29

those parts then you know you have you can be fully present in what you're

38:35

doing you're not thinking about what's the best thing to get him off what's the best thing because you're you know going

38:40

in there with your own pleasure you know how can I having this dick in my mouth you know

38:46

it's more around that where can I get the pleasure of having my tongue going around his balls so it's really about

38:52

right you want and the pleasure that you have and what that does for a man who's

38:57

receiving when they see genuine enthusiasm from a woman sure and that in

39:03

itself feels amazing and you know the the thing is as well when you have this

39:09

the knowledge of the you know of the anatomy and you have your own confidence you're willing to try things that you're

39:16

willing to to see how your tongue moves in a particular way while you're sucking or while you're doing this because you

39:21

just feel confident in approaching it and that in itself will mean that you'll come up with different techniques

39:26

yourself and different ways of trying things because you'll have the confidence to explore I mean I do have

39:32

some stuff in there around techniques but that's like literally you know the last module because and yeah because by

39:39

the time that you get to that you'll already be feeling really really confident and exploring again anything

39:45

else extra that you get told in the technique situation is just like yeah

39:50

this is just an extra bonus you know because everything else yeah

39:55

yeah that makes sense because it's kind of like you know you're talking about how men feel performative and in sex I

40:02

think a lot of women feel that way about blow jobs and they think maybe because yeah they're uncomfortable they're thinking I'm not good at this I suck you

40:09

know I don't really like this this is for him all those things so it's it's more you're stuck in performing than

40:16

enjoying and if you enjoy you're just gonna do whatever feels good you know that makes a lot of sense yeah and the

40:22

thing is you know women who really enjoy giving [ __ ] because I spoke to women who really enjoy doing it as well and

40:28

there are so many women that once they allow themselves to really enjoy them they get massively turned on by it you

40:34

know I'm sure so and yeah so if you can flip into that then it totally becomes

40:41

for your pleasure and it's not just about what gets him off and it's the fact that you are totally in your

40:46

pleasure and the guides like oh my gosh she's really loving this that in itself and I'm for them anyway it could be a

40:53

good way to think about it too is for women too if you feel like your partner is not enjoying eating you out

40:59

it really isn't that exciting it's a lot less exciting you know what I mean like oh they're just like this is a duty this

41:06

is something they feel they have to do you can tell and it's yeah it goes both

41:12

ways it makes perfect sense and then as a woman because when we take a bit longer than men you know to orgasm you

41:20

know if you're lying there with your legs open and you can tell that they're not that interested then you feel the pressure of I need to orgasm at the

41:27

moment right stop saying to yourself like there's no point really continuing

41:33

because this is going nowhere it's not gonna happen exactly that's not happening that's it's

41:39

over so okay so I also I have so many questions so first one is do you

41:44

recommend sex toys to men and women or are you more of a person who believes it's more manual is more important

41:51

I always say experiment with what people want to experiment with so if you're happy with sex toys then go for it if

41:57

it's something that you don't feel comfortable with for whatever reason then that's totally fine myself personally I really like them I think it

42:04

gives a lot of variety I know that sometimes you know when it comes to things like dildos that men can feel a

42:09

little bit intimidated you know yeah wanting to use a dildo because maybe the

42:15

side or the hardness or whatever it might be and I think you know if you're not if you're not one to choose them for

42:20

that reason because of your own sort of how it makes you feel about yourself then I think you know the invitation is

42:26

always to explore those things but if there's generally no actual interest

42:31

then there's not any particular trigger there for you and it's just like no I

42:37

just I can't really see the interest in that then that's fine but if you're like oh no I wouldn't use a sex toy because

42:42

of X Y or Z reason you know I just don't think it's appropriate then I always

42:48

invite people to explore what those judgments are you know because it's really likely that the part of you like

42:54

I was saying before about my own relationship to to my own illness that there's a part of you that feels

42:59

shameful about that that does want it but it's the denial yeah yeah so I think that requires further exploration

43:05

because if you aren't doing something because of a judgment that you have which is like the shadow piece you're

43:12

not being your authentic self and then that is going to create some of the blockage or some other issue in the

43:18

bedroom but yeah other than that yeah dildos butt plugs anal beads you know

43:24

restraints whatever takes you fancy as long as it's all considerable

43:30

exactly I saw another thing I think it was on your Instagram that talked about penis massage so what does that really

43:37

mean and how is that different I mean is this just like a regular hand job or is it like different than that so a penis

43:43

massage is like quite similar to like [ __ ] worship so generally it starts it

43:50

starts with bring thinking presents so a man bringing presence and awareness to the sensations in his body the really

43:57

really thinking it's massages for men who have erectile disappointment I

44:02

prefer to eat that word rather than dysfunction because rather than dysfunction

44:07

um men who you know come sooner than they want to or men who you know

44:13

struggle to come the reason being is penis massage is it's about being for a man really really present with old

44:19

Sensations in his body and it starts off really really slow like with abdominal massage chest massage in a thigh opening

44:27

up around you know the area just by the side of the tentacles and then you know the whole point is there's no there's no

44:35

necessity there's no like trying to force a man to get an erection so you

44:40

can do the massage it doesn't need to be erect and then there are different

44:46

strokes that you can do you know if and when the cop gets a wreck but it's lit

44:51

actually about a man being completely present into all the sensations in his pleasure ensuring that you know if you

44:58

look at his turn on level zero being no turn on whatsoever intend being ejaculation that he doesn't higher than

45:04

an eight or a nine so that he can keep you know so that you can keep going and last longer and that really helps men

45:11

too last for Hunger as well for men who tend to come sooner than they want to but it's about creating that connection

45:17

and it's an intimate connection between the two people as well because you're taking everything slow uh

45:24

the women's encouraged to give compliments to the man's genitive around

45:29

the man's genitals yeah because you know we always compliment people on either

45:36

characteristics or facial features or maybe a particular body part but we never gave compliments to genitals and

45:43

what I know from coaching men is a lot of men feel massively insecure about their genitals you know men feel very

45:50

secure having a flaccid [ __ ] having someone's mouth near their

45:55

plastic cup feels extremely intimidating so removing that you know because men are so much under

46:02

this like pressure of having to have an erect cut that that defines a masculinity and virility yeah sure sure

46:08

so completely removing that so that it's flaccid and you know it's celebrated in

46:14

all its glory in that way feels really really good to a lot of men and I say it

46:20

feels good it can also be a bit triggering because you know if they have a lot of Shame around the flossic cup it

46:26

can bring up a lot of emotion and if you're not used to experience that emotion which a lot of men aren't that

46:31

can come out not in the nicest possible way so it's always important to be aware

46:37

of the penis massage can be quite an emotional experience for both people and you know for women as well doing

46:43

something to a man that's not trying to either get him erect or make him come and literally just being perfect yeah it

46:52

changes your relationship to the genitals as well so you know Nina actually see them because quite often

46:58

you know when we interact we never properly looking at them it's like either in your mouth or in your hand and

47:05

you're looking at them or doing you know you never actually sit and look and study you know what it looks like you

47:12

know practicals and how soft it feels you know the cup when it's flattered no you

47:18

don't really get that opportunity to do that that can feel very vulnerable for a

47:23

man to be late there and have in someone's eyes completely on him but also it can feel extremely intimate and

47:28

very loving as well you know because when you're so exposed in that way and it just gives women also like I said

47:34

that opportunity to be really to be really really present and just to see that vulnerability in their partner

47:41

who's laid there you know waiting to receive this massaging yeah it can feel very

47:47

vulnerable for for both people taking it really slowly removing expectations of what should happen next and just being

47:53

very very present with what is so it's called a penis massage but you're really not touching the penis at least not

47:58

initially no not initially and you do touch the penis eventually yeah yeah yeah yeah towards the end of right okay

48:04

what's the different types of strokes and movements and you know like I said it because the goal isn't necessarily to

48:11

get them to come or to get the right direction it gives you the opportunity to have lots of different strokes so the

48:18

penis massage that I guide people through in my course is very much around you know particular types of Strokes you

48:25

know for the concert and then you know if they are erect great you can use a stroke if they're not a wreck then you

48:31

can also use the same stroke so and it's just about yeah it's just about that presence and and touching a penis

48:38

in a different way to what you normally would you know being with the goal and

48:43

being present instead of if I do this really come you know

48:50

very interesting yeah it's more more sensual obviously like that I guess that's how I would the way you describe

48:55

it it just sounds more sensual than sexual but sensual can lead to sexual yes and the thing is because it can be

49:02

very very pleasurable for a man you know he can come but that's not there it's not the idea going into it that's not

49:08

the pressure that you put in the vendor if that happens great if it doesn't that's also great because that's not the

49:14

goal that makes sense that's very interesting because yeah when I first saw it I'm like oh penis massage it's all about you

49:20

know hand job you know because that's you know what I mean like that's right over my head yeah but [ __ ] has that

49:27

goal doesn't it they need to have an erection and they need to come so yeah yeah exactly well very interesting so

49:34

what are some things that you tell people because obviously a lot of this has to do with confidence what can they

49:39

do to become more confident and we've touched on Little Bits here and there but is there anything else that that people could like

49:45

Zone in on like how can I improve my confidence um I would say getting to know your own

49:51

body first so what you like what you don't like how you do and don't want to be touched is really really important

49:57

because then once you know your own body really really well it's easier than to guide someone to what you want because if they touch you and you go oh not like

50:05

that and they go okay but how if you don't know anything in the hell then you

50:10

know that's going to damage the confidence if you're not able to lead them into what you do want and then understanding you know what the

50:17

other person likes and dislikes because as they were saying before you know when you have that container and you understand what somebody wants and what

50:24

somebody doesn't want it gives you the confidence then the freedom to explore a little bit without doing the wrong thing

50:30

you know because for example let's just use like a lot of like testicles so you

50:36

know some men really like you know being them have been poor being rubbed some men you know don't even touch my balls

50:43

away she said just first of all even just knowing

50:49

where on the spectrum they are with that it's gonna be true and in touch to them because if you've had a previous partner

50:55

who was like oh my God don't touch my balls and then another one we like them tug in you know the third partner that

51:01

you have it's like have no idea what to do now you know where do I go the conversation You've Got Confidence I

51:07

know how to touch them you know yeah I'm always curious what I mean I

51:13

know for women we all like different touches too but I'm just so curious what it is that you know makes men some men

51:19

like that and other men not I mean I wonder if is it like physiological is it Anatomy is it like just in their head

51:25

like why why do some men like it and some don't I think it's very different reason

51:31

depending on the person so some people can have experience like certain types

51:36

of trauma in the sense of maybe somebody touched them in a particular way and it

51:42

triggered like that so this isn't about the tentacles as such but I have like for example a lot of men when they have

51:50

a hand job really like it quite rough and quiet and you know sort of quite a

51:56

good thrust in motion let's say with the hand yeah however I had one guy because on for my course like interview and then

52:04

the reason I do this is just to show the variety of different replies that men can give to things you know yeah I was

52:11

like I really don't like it when women um hold me too tight because one woman wants for my frenulum the frenulum's the

52:17

bet that he foreskin to to the head of the the penis but for those of you that don't

52:24

know and yeah so now he's you know anytime someone grips just that little

52:29

bit too enthusiastically for him that automatically you know he freezes through the direction

52:35

so you know these things can happen with balls or they can just be naturally quite the sensitive it's just like women

52:41

with the clitoris for example some women like much some women need touched you know on the hood rather than directly on

52:47

the clitoris itself so you know but then there are women also who have used a lot of vibrators and then have them

52:54

desensitized so that's something that you can unlearn and you know if there has been a type of trauma you you can

53:01

you know re-feet your body different way you know a new access to pleasure so it

53:07

really depends on the situation so is it is like a physiological or if it is like a learned behavior then sure

53:16

that makes a lot of sense so yeah it's it's probably it's a combination of all those things and just like with women

53:21

you every woman likes different pressure of [ __ ] and different areas different amounts different lengths so again like

53:29

you said we just need to know our own bodies so that we can know what we want and we can communicate that

53:36

we just need to learn how they can get comfortable to do that right and that's what you do you help people so in your

53:42

coaching you coach men and women yeah and so couples too or just separately yeah so I do men separate women

53:49

separately and then couples the work that I do with couples is a lot more around intimidate so it's doing you know

53:58

being some communication exercises but you just so that couples can then learn

54:03

how to express themselves and have like a verbal intimacy then there's other

54:10

things like eye gazing different breath work so that you are learning to be in

54:16

Rhythm and in tune with your partner different types of massages or different types of sensual play around you know

54:24

using things for the five senses movement of you know sexual turn on so

54:31

you can learn to have full body orgasms or Valley orgasms so and these are all

54:37

different exercises to be able to create poster intimacy be able to converse more

54:42

around sex as well so yeah so that's the work that I do with couples is around

54:48

that so less so if they're like having an argument and not really getting on it's not that's not

54:53

I would do in that sense it's more like the sex aspect of it when I work with couples sure oh that makes sense well

55:01

this has been amazing is there anything we haven't talked about that you wanted to mention or a topic that you wanted to

55:06

talk about or something you forgot to say earlier that you wanted to say remember to say and also we need your

55:13

website and all that good information of where people can find you okay so anything that I've forgotten to

55:18

say I would just Round Up to say women go and look at yourselves in the mirror and Men step into the uncomfortable and

55:27

lean into the edges of um yeah being more vulnerable because it is actually going to give you um so much more

55:34

pleasure and better sex and yeah those are the things that I

55:40

would say to to round it up though and wherever your judgments are with other people and their sexuality is an

55:46

indication of maybe of where you might need to explore your own sexuality yourself that you're hiding so if you're

55:53

there's anything that you've heard today and you're going I can't believe that she said that and you have them around

55:59

it it's an invitation to go and explore what part of yourself that you're maybe denying or fearful to me because yeah

56:08

once the uncoverly part of our adult are the things that creating the

56:13

contraction within us once we allow ourselves to meet those parts the contraction is no longer there and then

56:19

we're just sort of have this sense of freedom of being able to step into our um authentic sexual expression and this

56:25

is what you know really gets fun and pleasurable and and also gives you

56:30

access to that confidence as well that you were asking about noticing where you should

56:35

that makes a lot of sense and then with regards to finding me my website is

56:42

carlacrivero.com and on Instagram sexuality dot sanctuary

56:48

the dot sexuality dot that dot sexuality dot Sanctuary okay gotcha awesome and

56:56

then people can access your the queen of [ __ ] online course there any of your therapies and then I saw a cool thing

57:03

you have too that women's sexual empowerment playlist that's really fun we have some songs and I love that

57:08

because you have that also for my course when women embody their queen of blow jobs but also it's I want you to have

57:15

music women you know I mean they're not might not like all of the songs but there's lots of different ones in there

57:21

that people can then pick from their own playlists and create their own playlist but it's yeah it's about women and doing

57:26

their own bodies and joining their own sexual expression seeing their own pleasure as a source of power seeing

57:33

their own sexuality is the source of power because don't forget women who were sexually expressive were seen as

57:39

very threatening a few hundred years ago they were called worship you know so um

57:44

yeah it's about reclaiming that part of ourselves because yeah we when we are

57:50

embodying our sexual truth and our sexual power women are extremely powerful so yeah so tune into those

57:56

parts of yourself and yeah listen to the playlist which you'll be able to find on Instagram in my um bio awesome I totally

58:03

agree and hell yes we need to do that for women as women that's what we need to do thank you so much this has been great I

58:10

really enjoyed our chat and just a lot of a lot of good stuff in there for men women and couples so thank you so much

58:16

thank you for having me I really enjoyed the chat yes I did too thank you you have a good day

58:22

okay thank you for listening I hope you learned a lot I did it was an enjoyable chat with Carla I love talking about sex

58:29

with other women with other men I guess I just love talking about sex right sex

58:35

relationships intimacy [ __ ] all that yummy stuff oral sex

58:40

give me more more baby I love it it really turns me on it helps me grow too

58:46

I love to grow sexuality wise right who doesn't so this is what's going on and you are

58:54

going to enjoy checking her out because she's got some

58:59

awesome content so [ __ ] do it baby down in the podcast show notes find her links and mine where I've got my link

59:05

tree I call it a link tree because it's got link tree in the beginning I don't know I guess it's a tree of links right it's

59:11

all my links in one little spot most of my links I can't say it's 100 because I it's pretty long but you can see where

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my erotic audiobooks are my erotica my other places where I have content and I

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have extra special exclusive levels of content three dollars a month with for this podcast and also on patreon and I

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have some other subscription sites like fansley is another one where I post some sexy stuff anyways I hope you enjoyed

59:39

this I hope you get to come today come today baby you need it you want it you

59:45

love it get some stress relief get some enjoyment and pleasure enjoy

59:50

your body you were given your sexual organs for a reason think of them like taste buds to taste life

59:58

your [ __ ] your [ __ ] your clitoris are the taste buds of your orgasmic

1:00:04

sexuality pleasure eat a strawberry use your taste buds come you use your taste buds of your

1:00:12

[ __ ] your [ __ ] your clitoris so think of them that way and

1:00:18

use them baby they're meant to be used you don't ignore your taste buds now do you no don't ignore your genitals

1:00:28

make your life fall and come today okay have a [ __ ] awesome day I love you

1:00:36

thanks for listening follow my podcast subscribe if you enjoy my content and if you enjoy it I would love for you to

1:00:42

leave me a rating a review it really really helps me grow so please please

1:00:47

please if you enjoy me do that and share my content share my podcast episodes it really will help me

1:00:55

grow and the more I grow the more I can do and the more I can reveal the more I

1:01:00

can create hey it's a win-win for all of us right more sexy stuff for you to

1:01:06

listen to oh [ __ ] yeah all right you have a sexy [ __ ] day love ya

1:01:14

foreign [Music]

1:01:20

[Applause] [Music]
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