Exploring Sexual Strategies and Kink with Marla Renee Stewart: Dirty Talk, Squirting, Kink, & Seduction

Ep 508: Ruan Willow with Marla Renee Stewart, Sexologist, Sexual Strategist, & Author. Join us as we discuss the intricacies of sexual health, the importance of unlearning societal norms, and the ways to foster better communication and pleasure in relationships. Marla shares her insights on sexuality, well-being, seduction, sexual tension, toys, techniques, using dirty talk, and the fascinating world of kinky play. Whether you're curious about squirting, impact play, or integrating sex toys into your love life, this episode is packed with valuable advice and practical tips to enhance your sexual experiences.

Paying attention to your sexual health is a part of your mental health and self care strategies, as is seeking sex education. Alternative lifestyles are valid options. and can give people great happiness and satisfaction.
Discussion Timeline:
00:00:00 " Podcast has hit 1.1 million downloads
00:00:38 " Marla is a sexologist, author, sexual strategist
00:03:51 " Do you meet with individual clients or do you do classes?
00:04:33 " In some of your classes, you have kink classes and non-kinky classes
00:09:22 " Many people don't believe that squirting is a real thing, is it pee?
00:13:05 " Some people don't really know what the clitoris even looks like
00:17:37 " Your class helps femdoms understand their subs better
00:18:47 " One of the keys to driving sexual tension is the planting of sex seeds
00:24:26 " How about give us some tips or advice about people interested in impact play
00:26:15 " Do you find any age groups that are more open to trying new sexual
00:33:14 " Pervertibles are everyday household items that can be used for kinky play
00:34:08 " Now let's talk a little bit about sex toys--have a favorite one
00:37:39 " Do you think there are more toys available to women than
00:42:10 " Some people are scared of sex toys, but you can try them
00:45:15 " Always do the research. Munches are really great for education
00:47:16 " Why is aftercare important?
00:52:19 " Marla Stewart encourages people to try things at least three times
Resources:
- Velvet Lips https://www.velvetlipssexed.com/
- Sex Down South Conference
- Race & Kink
- The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Foreplay (affiliate link commission on sales) https://amzn.to/4ewvc3M
Social media: @1marlastewart
Guest Bio: Marla Renee Stewart, MA (she/her) is a sexologist, author, and sexual strategist who runs her own sexuality education company, Velvet Lips, and is also a Co-Founder of the Sex Down South Conference. She has studied human sexuality for more than 22 years and has given over 1000 workshops all over the world. She also has been featured on a variety of media outlets, including Netflix’s Trigger Warning with Killer Mike and Love & HipHop Atlanta. She co-wrote her first book, The Ultimate Guide to Seduction & Foreplay with Dr. Jessica O’Reilly, which debuted in April 2020.

Podcast Host Ruan Willow's books/audiobooks: http://books.ruanwillowauthor.com/

Show notes headliner app

Transcript

Season 4, episode 508 of Oh F*ck Yeah with Ruan Willow Podcast. This podcast transcript was created by Headliner ai. It is not 100% accurate and was not edited by a human, so please expect some errors. Email any questions to ruanwillow@gmail.com
Copyright Pink Infinity Publishing 2024. Created in conjunction with the podcast guest Marla Renee Stewart.

Ruan Willow's podcast has hit 1.1 million downloads

>> Ruan Willow: Hello, everyone. This is Ruan Willow with the oh, fuck yeah. With Ruan Willow podcast. And I have an amazing guest today, but I have to share exciting news. I'm so excited. I just added up my numbers and I just hit 1.1 million downloads. I am just, like, over the moon about this. Thank you, everyone, for listening. That is so exciting, and I'm just so excited. So thank you for listening. wherever you listen, wherever you watch. But, if you are under 18, it is time to do the podcast because we're going to be talking about sex and sexuality, as usual, sexual health and all that good, yummy, juicy stuff today.


Marla Renee Stewart is a sexologist, author and sexual strategist

My guest is Marla Renee Stewart, Ma. She. Her. Is a sexologist, author, and sexual strategist who runs her own sexuality education company, Velvet Lips, and is also a co founder of the Sex Down south conference. She has studied human sexuality for more than 22 years and has given over 1000 workshops all over the world. She also has been featured on a variety of media outlets, including Netflix's trigger warning with killer Mike and love, and hip hop Atlanta. She wrote, co wrote her first book, the Ultimate Guide to seduction and foreplay, with doctor Jessica O'Reilly, which debuted in 2020. Welcome, Marla. I am so excited to chat with you.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Hi. Thank you so much, ruin, for, having me. I'm happy to be here.

>> Ruan Willow: I'm really excited to talk with you. You have extensive experience. That is just phenomenal. What a career you have.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Yeah, yeah. I've been doing this a very, very long time. So, it's what I was called to do, and I'm doing it.

>> Ruan Willow: Of all the things you've done, could you pick one that is, like, the best or something you love the most, or is that, like, impossible to pick amongst all those things?

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Well, they're all. They all have their pros and cons, you know what I mean? So, I mean, overall, you know, I'm a sexologist, sexual strategist, and, that, you know, brings my heart joy, helping people to have better sex lives, to bring pleasure, to bring happiness and joy into their lives, so, you know, to communicate better, to just be better people. So, overall, like, yeah, there's nothing. One thing in particular that, you know, I'm drawn to. I kind of like it all well.

>> Ruin Willow: And this is so needed in our world, right, in our culture, because so many people just get, you know, bogged down by shame and the culture and the society, and just. It's just really, to me, it's so sad that we are facing this where it's a struggle for many people to enjoy a part of their body and something that is our birthright to enjoy.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: You know, the. The different, social institutions have a really big effect on us, whether that's family, whether that's school, you know, whether that's the government, you know, all of these different religion, all of these things have different influences over us. And so with the sexual scripts, that are given out, you know, when we take this information in, sometimes we embody it, but, sometimes that, those information can be unhealthy or harmful for us. So I really want to help people understand who they are as beings and sort of unlearn kind of all the things that maybe they've been influenced by, you know, even in the media. so really, understanding who they are as humans and how they need to move about in the world to bring themselves more m pleasure, more joy, more happiness.

>> Ruin Willow: Yeah, unlearn is the key word there, because so many of us just get so trapped in that stuff, and we can't seem to figure out how to wade through it.


Do you meet with individual clients or do you do classes

Do you meet. I know you do an awful lot of classes. Do you meet with individual people as well? Individual clients, or are you more kind of doing the classes?

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Yes, I do both. So I do classes and I do have clients. I do see couples and individuals, who want to help themselves. I really specialize in seduction, communication, helping people with their sex skills, and, of course, alternative sexual communities. So, lGBTQia folks, non monogamous folks, wingers, kinksters, all of those, you know, folks who tend to, But that's kind of where my goal and focus is.


In some of your classes, you have kink classes and non-kinky classes

>> Ruin Willow: Very cool. So in some of your classes, I noticed that you have kink classes, and then you have non kink, I guess, less kinky classes, right? Is that how you would categorize them? Kinky and less kinky. So do you. Do you. Do you find one more enjoyable to work with than the other? And why?

>> Marla Renee Stewart: you know, it's so funny. Even when I go to kink conferences, they pull from the regular. Right. Class list. So, you know, I'm not sure if there even should be a difference or what, but. But I, enjoy them all. honestly, like, you know, I created them. Like, the art of dirty talk. Like, I created that because, like, I was stuck when someone was talking dirty to me. I was like, oh, my God, I didn't even know what to say. Like, I'm as a deer in headlights. So I was like, I gotta do better, right? So I created that class because I didn't want to have that experience again. And I really wanted to make sure that I was, you know, doing the dirty talk that pleased me, that pleased my lovers and that I felt comfortable with. So all of these classes, essentially, are classes that I've learned over the years on, you know, retraining your brain and, you know, helping people with their sex skills and just really trying to, make their sexual experiences better. So, but, yeah, I mean, my, you know, my favorite classes are definitely, you know, kinky classes. I love teaching how to spell or how to slap or, you know, or I'm. I'm happy to teach how, you know, how to dirty talk, how to squirt. You know, those are all, like, really fun classes for me. But, yeah, they're. They're all. They're all fun.

>> Ruin Willow: Absolutely.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Any of them, really.

>> Ruin Willow: Oh, I know, right? We can all use that kind of in our, tool belt. Well, what kind of things do you. Or, can you give us an example of what, what you would have in your. The dirty talk class? Like, one example that people could use.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Yeah, absolutely. So when we think about dirty talk, we typically think like, oh, it must be dirty, raunchy, nasty in order for it to be, for it to turn you on. But that really is just not the case. and everybody likes different kinds of dirty talk. So my, When we first. When I first start the lesson on dirty talk, I really talk about what is the kind of dirty talk that you like to hear, right? Do you like to be directed? Do you like to be the direct door? Do you want to be. Do you like, romantic? Do you like a challenge? You know? Do you like, descriptive, right? You want to know, like, all the details. Like, there's so many ways to dirty talk. And understanding those ways are going to help you understand not only gain you more self awareness, but you be able to talk to your lover about what kind of dirty talk you'd like to hear. I. And that they can use their dirty talk phrases to turn you on rather than just to turn themselves on. You know what I mean? So. And, vice versa.

>> Ruin Willow: What do you say to people who might say to you, well, I want to do it, but my partner completely has no interest in dirty talk.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: You know, that's, that's a hard one, because, you know, if your partner has no, completely no interest in dirty talk, I mean, you can't force someone to dirty talk, right? What you can do is you can just say, like, hey, I'm. I really love the sound of your voice. It really turns me on. And every time we have sex, like, I want to hear you speak. Like, I would love for us maybe to take a dirty talk class together, right? So, like, really giving that positive reinforcement. See if you take a dirty class. A dirty talk class together, see if that works. Or, you know, and if they're really just like, I'm just not into it. I'm just not into it. I mean, I don't know, that's. That's. It's very stunting. It's very. That's a hard one. You know, and maybe you have to, If you really want to remain with your partner, if you're not in an open relationship or some kind of non monogamous relationship, maybe you imagine, the dirty talk in your head, right? And keep that as a fantasy. And so, I just really encourage people to open up and be curious and. And to try things, you know? Cause you never know what you like. And, a lot of times when people are closed off to things, it's because they've. They've had some shame or stigma or some judgment about it, rather than being curious about it and seeing if that actually would really work on them.

>> Ruin Willow: Right. I think that's so true. And I think it's. It's hard when you're working with your partner, may not be open minded and to try those things, but, yeah, those are some great ideas to try.


Many people don't believe that squirting is a real thing

How about this squirting one? Because so many people are like, oh, it's pee. It's, you know, it's not a real thing. That's a fake porn thing. They got a pouch in there. They're squeezing out liquid. But, What do you mean? That's true? Yeah, but that part is actually true. You're right.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: In porn, it's definitely true. I mean, maybe not all. Not all the time. You know, there is some, you know, real, real porn out there, but, for the most part, porn stars, they're entertainers, right? So they are, you know, filling up with liquid and, you know, and I using their, you know, pelvic floor muscles to thrust it out. And it is for entertainment and to turn you on. Right. but for people who have, ah, you know, who are like, it's just pee. It's just pee. No, I'm here to say, just go to a swingers club or a sex club and you'll see people squirting all the time and it's not pee. I remember I was at a sex club in Toronto and I saw this woman squirt 8ft three times, about like five minutes apart from each other. And it wasn't just like a little bit. It was a lot.

>> Ruin Willow: And hydrated.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Yeah. After that, for sure. Definitely hydrated beforehand. Yeah. but like even thinking about like, your body doesn't do that. When you pee. You pee. That's right. Your body doesn't have the capability of all of a sudden conjuring up more pee. You know what I mean? Not, not in five minutes. You know what I mean? So, I think people just unfortunately haven't been exposed to it or haven't seen it or haven't experienced it for themselves. So it's hard for them to believe. And, you know, I get it. You don't see it, you don't believe it, but I seen it and I believe it. And you know, I'm here to say that it happens and, you know, I've squirted it. So it is a reality to a lot of people. And sometimes it's just about knowing the techniques and strategies for a person's body to enable them to tap into how to squirt. So, again, we have to understand, squirting is not just about mechanics, but it's also mindfulness occupied with the body. You know, it's about your breath work, it's about your pelvic floor muscles. It's about so many different things. and then for some people are, are gifted, right? Like they naturally can squirt 8ft and that's okay.

>> Ruin Willow: Right. Like, that sounds like a stunt or something. But you know, obviously, yeah, you can't remake pee in five minutes. That's gonna. And if you did, it would probably be like maybe a trickle. It wouldn't be like, you know, it would.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Right to, it wouldn't be an eight foot propulsion one after the other. Absolutely not.

>> Ruin Willow: That's impressive, I have to say. That is very impressive. And I have heard a couple people say that, you know, it may pick up traces of pee because of the way it comes out.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: But yeah, there's a, there's little traces of urine for sure because it comes out of the urethra. So similar to, you know, when understanding, male, ejaculation. Right. When semen comes out of the urethra, there is little traces of urine in that semen. So understand it is, there's always going to be that because there's you know, that's just a function, functionality of our bodies.

>> Ruin Willow: Right. And that also points to the fact that really, you know, our bodies really aren't that different. It's just most people don't realize that. They don't realize.


Some people don't really know what the clitoris even looks like

I always think it's amazing to me how some people don't really know what the clit even looks like. You know what I mean? Like, it's just I have my little model here, I should take it out. I got this on etsy because it, it's a little one. So this is much smaller, right, than the actual clit itself, but it shows people what it looks like, right?

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Yeah. Yep. Yeah, that's great.

>> Ruin Willow: I mean, it's little because the real clit isn't this small. Right. And, you know, so I've read and.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Well, it really depends, actually, the clitoris arranges, right? Yeah. The head of the clitoris could be as small as the tip of my pinky or as big as my thumb, you know? So we have to understand clitoral sizes. That's one size out of very many sizes. So.

>> Ruin Willow: And that makes sense when you look at across the human cult, you know, humans were all different shapes and sizes. But this little part where my fingers are pinching is kind of where. What's this part that's sticking out. Right. So people see that.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Exactly.

>> Ruin Willow: The rest of it's inside your body. That's in your body.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Right, exactly.

>> Ruin Willow: And I just think it's amazing. And even for myself, I went most of my life not knowing that, right. It's hidden from everyone.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: You know, we don't, we don't study it in health class. We don't, we don't say, oh, this is what the clitoris is. Or I, mean, I don't remember studying it in health class. I remember we studied about periods. We studied if you have sex, but we didn't study like, the mechanics of sex or the mechanics of the body. And, we did learn, of course, erections. But, you know, that everything is always, you know, I mean, we lived in the patriarchy, right? So the male domination and understanding, you know, male genitals was prior is going to be prioritized. It was prioritized, you know, in health, in health classes.

>> Ruin Willow: You know, I honestly don't even remember them saying clitoris ever.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Yeah, I don't remember either at all. I wasn't even California, I don't remember that at all.

>> Ruin Willow: Which is crazy. How can you not say an anatomy and that, you know, a, piece of the female reproductive anatomy? Like, how can you, how can they not include saying that? That's just so intentionally harming and disgusting. Like, I just, I'm like, offended still.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: You know, like, well, if you even just go on YouTube and you let you, like, find those people who are, like, going to people in the streets and be like, where is the clitoris? And people, like, have no clue. Right? I mean, yes, it's a sad state, but I guess that's why I have a job.

>> Ruin Willow: Yeah, right, exactly. That's true. There's so much education that needs to happen. So obviously you love to educate people and so you do. So is it you do classes online and in person, and what's the difference when you do that? Like, what's. It's got to be very kind of a different experience for you.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Well, I mean, it just depends, right? I'm an extrovert, so I love being in person and I really love connecting with people in person. Like, I am a people person. an in person person. but, you know, sometimes you have to make it work. Especially, I see people from all around the world. So, you know, the video is sort of the best way to do that. And so we have to adapt as humans as we get more interconnected and, what do you call it? like we're globally connected. Forgot, the word for it right now. It's escaping me. But, we have to understand that we have to adapt. And so, I've had someone who was like, I want to take your class, but it's 01:00 a.m. my time. And I'm just like, I will have it recorded for you. And, you know, then you can see it later or whatever. Right. so that's kind of what I'm, what I'm doing now. I'm just kind of like, thinking about what classes would be beneficial and. But, yeah, I do sell classes online and, and I do do classes virtually as well as in person.

>> Ruin Willow: That's very cool. And, yeah, the replay is good because especially if you're going to reach people around the world, you really need that. That's important.


Your class helps femdoms understand their subs better

I love your class here that says, seducing your sub, how to create erotic tension and keep your sub coming back for more like. That's a delicious title.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Thank you. Thank you. A, part of me, you know, wants to rename, it, but, it's the same. It's fine. It's basically, it's, you know, I had a lot of femdoms come up to me and were just kind of like, I don't understand my sub. You know, these, they approach me, but then they leave and, you know, submissives can be flaky or whatever the case may be. And I'm like, well, you're not holding on to them because there's something missing, right? You're not being able to connect with them in the way that they need to be, that they. The way they need to feel connected. So, I created that class to help, essentially dominance and, you know, fem doms understand their subs better and be able to connect with them on a better level.

>> Ruin Willow: And now it's. Is it geared towards just more for femdoms, or is it for males as well? Or dominant?

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Yeah, it's for everybody.

>> Ruin Willow: It's for both. Okay.


One of the keys to driving sexual tension is the planting of sex seeds

>> Ruin Willow: And in erotic tension, describe what that means.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Well, when we think about erotic tension, we think about, I mean, we're thinking about, like, sexual tension and how to play into sexual tension. Right. So one of the keys, I believe, that, you know, drive sexual tension is the planting of what I call sex seeds. and so when we think about planting sex seeds, these are the things that create erotic tension. So, for instance, ruin. If you were like, Marla, I want to experiment with blindfolds. I'd be like, okay. And maybe on your way to work, I put the blindfold in your car seat, you know? And so that's something like, okay, there's blindfold in my. So it's something to get your mind going and create that erotic tension to. To help with the emotional capacity to possibly be in a sexual experience later. So it's a really great way of foreplay, of seduction, of, being able to get your lover emotionally ready for what's to come. And so that's essentially, you know, what it is.

>> Ruin Willow: And another way to think of it, I guess, would be like some sort of flirty tease, some sort of peace, or even anything recording. Right. Or an image.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Yeah. And it's. And there's several different ways to plant sex seeds, right? So I'm, you know, you think about the way visually tactile, you know, auditory. There's so many different ways. So, understanding erotic tension is where you are, is where you are, engaging and doing these various kinds of sexies, right. Catering to your own sexual assets and then really, playing into those. So, yeah. That you can, you and your lover will have a good time. Or lovers, however many there are.

>> Ruin Willow: Right. Well, that's awesome. I love that. I love that, you know, and I write erotica, so erotic romance. And part of that can be in your storyline, you know, where you are developing that connection between them and developing that tension. So in a way, it just makes me think of that, that there's just, you know, similarities there in what you just said in writing erotica, because you have to, like, think of that stuff and you have to think of, okay, what's going to be the tease, what's going to, what's going to happen between these people? And so now, do you ever find yourself feeling frustrated with all of this crap that we deal with that restricts us? Or do you find it more of a challenge where, like, I get to help people open up their eyes and see things a different way?

>> Marla Renee Stewart: you know, I, Well, can you reset your question again? I'm sorry.

>> Ruin Willow: Oh, totally. So, like, do you feel like you ever get frustrated with how restrictive our cultures are and you just feel like, oh, I'm super frustrated, or do you look at it more as I get to help people expand things and grow, and which way do you find yourself leaning more? You know, the excitement of, hey, I get to do this. Or getting down on the dumps being like, damn it, this is just so wrong. This, you know, world of ours, culture of ours.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Yeah, I'm an optimist, so I'm always like, you know, and I'm always up for a challenge. So when somebody presents me with a challenge or something that they were struggling with, I'm like, okay, how do I help this person? How do I get them to be able to navigate whatever is going on with them and, you know, make, make them come out on top, you know what I mean? So I'm definitely a more optimist, as opposed to, yeah, and here's the thing. Like, I know there are certain regulations that, on our bodies, for instance, like the government, right, will be like, hey, you can't do this with your own body. those things are definitely frustrating for me. And at the same time, I'm like, there's always ways around it, you know? I really feel like just as much as there is an underground, economy for whatever the fuck, there's also ways of bypassing, like overarching structures to get what you want. You know what I mean?

>> Ruin Willow: Yes.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: As long as you're doing it and you're not hurting anyone, I think, you know, we should be able to do it right.

>> Ruin Willow: And that, you know, that also points to how many networks there are that are kind of sort of hidden in the world. Like if you want to find swingers or things like that, it's not really hidden, but it's not really out there either. But it's there, right? Mm. You just need to start researching and try to figure that out. So it is. I think it is frustrating for a lot of people, too, though, because, you know, maybe they get to the point where they're like, accepting their sexuality and being more open, and then they're facing these obstacles of like, oh, okay, now I'm like this, but now I'm still restricted. I'm still trying to move in this space and in this world, this environment. And so it can be frustrating to people?

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Oh, yeah, absolutely. Oh, yeah, definitely. and it can be frustrating and it can feel, people can feel hopeless. You know what I mean? But I think that's why I've been put into the world and to try to help people so that they can come out of those, feelings of hopelessness and that, like, there is a possibility of, of changing things, you know, changing what they're doing and how are they, how they're moving in the world and find some happiness somewhere.

>> Ruin Willow: Right, right.


How about give us some tips or advice about people interested in impact play

Well, I keep looking at your paddle in the background there. How about give us any kind of tips or advice about people that are interested in impact play?

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Yeah, you know, it's funny because when people first get into, like, kink and stuff, they're like, ooh, you know, impact play, I want to see spank. And, you know, and then they just become really bad spankers. And it's just like, oh, just because, you know, you want to do something doesn't necessarily mean you're going to be good at it right away. And so I really encourage people to take a class, take a kink class, do something fun, and really, you know, have, like, spanking is, it's, it's fun. but knowing how to do it and do it well takes, a certain amount of skill. Right. and it's, so, yeah, I just, you know, I always encourage people to go and take a class, whether that's online virtually, or whether that's, you know, in person. Just take a class so you can understand the sort of mechanics of any kind of, I, would say any kind of kink skill, but it's just any kind of skills, like sexual skills in general.

>> Ruin Willow: Right. Because, many people are probably like, well, I could do that. That's not hard. You know, like, it doesn't seem like you would need a. I mean, most.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: People think they're pros at everything sexual. So it's just kind of like, or a lot of people do think they're pros. And you're just like, actually, you're not. So.

>> Ruin Willow: Right. We all have something to learn, and we wonder where we get that because it's not like we're actually taught it. Like we were just saying we're not really taught it. I think we just think, oh, I, yeah. Like, people think they can do stuff, but they were never really taught it. Mm

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Oh, yeah.


Do you find any age groups that are more open to trying new sexual things

>> Ruin Willow: Do you find that there's any sort of, because obviously, you work with a lot of different people. Do you find any. There's any kind of age groups that are more open to trying new sexual things. Do you see any kind of trends between ages of people?

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Yeah, I think the older people get, the more they want to try, you know? And I think that's probably because of experience. Right. They've, had many years of doing things, and they're like, I need to try something new. I want to learn something new. I want to do something new. So I really see, like, people who are in their, you know, mid thirties and up, you know, forties, fifties, sixties want to. Want to try something new because they think, you know, they're like, I've. There's more out there in the world. And, like, you know, let's, let's. I'm curious, so, yeah.

>> Ruin Willow: And I think, too, what I think, too, is that there's, with the aging in that way comes a lot of confidence, too. More confidence in not caring so much what other people think. So, you know, that can play into it as well, where people are more open to things because of, you know, just the fact of maturation itself.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Yeah, absolutely. And, you know, I think young people are also curious to try things, too. Like, I feel like, you know, when you're younger, you want to try everything, right? I mean, that's why, you know, they have that saying, right? Gay until graduation or something like that, right? Like, you want to try everything under the sun, you know, when you're in your early twenties or in your twenties, and then it kind of, I would say, like, plateaus a bit. And then you start peeking into your curiosity a little bit more, I think, as you age, because, again, you had maybe some experience under your belt now. And now you're like, okay, I want to try something new or go somewhere new or try something different.

>> Ruin Willow: Right? So, you know, younger people listening to this can look forward to that. And then people who are, you know, middle aged or whatever, it can be like, okay, other people are like me, you know? And I think that's important for us to know is that there are other people. You know, I heard someone say once, if you have a kink, you're going to find it out there somewhere else has it. You're not the only one who has that kink.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Absolutely. Absolutely, absolutely. There's, there's always someone who has, who's sharing a kink with you. You know what I mean?

>> Ruin Willow: Do you think that we're in a better environment? I kind of think we are, because people, some of the stuff that's more normalized now, people then even know or talk about years ago. So I think that maybe will help, you know, help people too, that they're just hearing about things more, right?

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Yeah, absolutely. You know, there's more exposure on the media. We have social media. you know, we have a lot of, you know, educators that are on social media. So, yeah, I think the exposure in general to various, like, alternative sexual lifestyles has really helped people to see that there's other ways of living their life out there. And so now they're able to kind of, again, unlearn and see for themselves what they would like or experiment with what they like. And, you know, I think it's super valuable. I remember when, you know, I had a lot of friends. I do have a lot of friends who are like, polyamorous. And I'm like, well, I have so many friends who are polyamorous. Maybe I'm polyamorous. And then, like, I tried it and I was like, oh, that sucks. No, I am not polyamory. Well, it sucks for me anyway. It doesn't suck for them, but it sucks for me. So I'm like, no, I'm good. but, you know, I think it's worth trying. Right? I think, like, with anything, I think we should always be curious because we never know what, you know, what's in store for us.

>> Ruin Willow: I think that's so true. And I think people need to be more open to trying that stuff because if they aren't, yeah, they're, you know, do you want regret in your life that you didn't try stuff? I mean, most of us don't want regret.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Right, right, exactly.


Doctor Jessica O'Reilly wrote the ultimate guide to seduction and foreplay

>> Ruin Willow: So tell us a little bit more about your book, the ultimate guide to seduction and foreplay with Doctor Jessica O'Reilly.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Yeah, well, Jess was approached for this book and then had taken my class and was like, oh, my God, no, you and I need to do this book together. And so I'm super, super grateful that she brought me on. And, so in the book, we have both of our sexual theories, mine being the seduction learning styles, and hers being the core erotic feeling and elevated erotic feeling. And we have, our theories understand how to put them in practice because we're both about practicality. And so as much as we can theorize on things, what are the actual practical ways that we can put this into play? So with the ultimate guide to seduction and foreplay, we talk all things around seduction. So that's, you know, visual seduction, auditory, you know, a, tactile. We go into dirty talk. We talk about pervertibles. We talk about techniques on genitals. We talk about kissing techniques. Because we know kissing is like one of the best ways to understanding if you are compatible, sexually compatible with someone. So we go over kissing techniques. And so it's really a, I believe it's a really amazing book that can help you be more self aware in who you are as an individual. And I've had friends or had, I've had clients, who've done this as couples, and go through the book and really learn more about each other. And that in and of itself can just be super, super valuable. So it's essentially kind of like a workbook because there's like homework in there. There's excerpts. There's ways of, just answering questions to gain knowledge about yourself and your lovers.

>> Ruin Willow: That sounds perfect. And it sounds like a great tool for people to use. is it available in hardcover and or paperback as well? If people use it kind of as a workbook? Like if they want to write in it and stuff?

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Yeah, no, we definitely need a workbook, but no, it's just the paperback.

>> Ruin Willow: Okay, sure.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Yeah. But you can find it. Yeah. Everywhere.

>> Ruin Willow: Yeah. You can still write in it, right?

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Yes, absolutely.

>> Ruin Willow: That's cool. That's really fun. And where is it available for people?

>> Marla Renee Stewart: You, can find it, available anywhere. So you can find it on bookshop. You can find it at your local feminist or black bookstore. You can find it at Amazon. you can find it, you know, anywhere.

>> Ruin Willow: Perfect.


Pervertibles are everyday household items that can be used for kinky play

So one of the things you said in there, did you say perverted? Is that. What's the word that you said? Pervertibles. What does that mean?

>> Marla Renee Stewart: pervertibles are basically like everyday household items that you can use for kinky play, right? So we call those pervertibles. So, for instance, I have a, meat tenderizer. Right. That I use for impact play. so that would be considered a pervertible. Or maybe people to use like spatulas as spanking utensils. So that.

>> Ruin Willow: Sure, sure. Okay. I never heard that term. And I'm like, I need to ask what that is, because I don't know.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Absolutely.

>> Ruin Willow: And some people might think, like, cucumber, you know, which I'm sure that's right.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: I mean, that is totally a convertible.

>> Ruin Willow: For sure. Absolutely.


Now let's talk a little bit about sex toys. And do you have a favorite one

Now let's talk a little bit about sex toys. And do you have a favorite one?

>> Marla Renee Stewart: You know, it's so funny. I, love suction toys. I don't know if I have necessarily, like, a favorite, favorite. but I love suction toys. I think they're really phenomenal. but I don't know if necessarily, like, I have a brand in mind that I'm like, oh, you know, this is, like, the best. but I, you know, I. I have so many toys. It's wild. Yeah. You know, companies send me toys all the time, so it's just like, I just have a ton. But, yeah, I think, suction toys are definitely, like, my favorite. I think overall, and then any kind of kink toy, you know, I'm usually pretty into. You can't see my office, but my office is, like, there's. I mean, you see the paddle probably behind me, but, like, there's a ton of kink toys and everywhere, you know, on the walls, so.

>> Ruin Willow: Yeah, very cool. I was talking.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: I'm a huge fan of, like, stainless steel toys, too.

>> Ruin Willow: Oh, stainless steel, huh? Huh? Okay. Like a dildo or.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Yeah, just stainless steel. Like, toys like, you know, toys like that look like this or any other, you know, stainless steel toys that you can manually. Manually handle.

>> Ruin Willow: I was talking with some women once, and they were talking about, glass dildos. And I was so amazed that they said they put them in the freezer.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Mm For temperature play. Yeah.

>> Ruin Willow: I'm like, you do what?

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Yeah. People, you know, have tried to do, like, pervertibles by, like, using popsicles. Don't do that. Don't do that. Because, you know, the sugar content, it's not made to go inside unless, I mean, you put a condom on it, but most likely that's gonna melt and be, you know, kind of funky. So. Yeah, glass still, though, in the. In the freezer is a much better option.

>> Ruin Willow: Oh, my gosh. I mean, yeah. And the popsicle is going to melt. Right. And then some of the juice might go where it's not supposed to, and then you wind up with an infection. That's a bad idea. Now, a cucumber is not going to melt, right. So, you know, that's different. But ups. Oh, yeah, no, and don't put a.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Cucumber up your butt. You can put it in the vagina, but not up the butt. Our butts are vacuums, so don't do that.

>> Ruin Willow: Well, I know. And this, you see stories of this online where people. It has to have some sort of base or something because people lose things in them.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Oh, yeah.

>> Ruin Willow: No, no, that's not okay. I mean, can you imagine how embarrassing that would be to go to the emergency room and be like, You have something stuck in my butt? Like, no way. I do not want to ever say that. That is not as I want to.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Say, don't be that person. Right.

>> Ruin Willow: Yeah. No. No matter how interesting it looks, don't do it.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Right.

>> Ruin Willow: Yeah. And obviously the vagina is a different way. You know, it's not going to get lost in there, for sure. There's a hard stop in there.


Do you think there are more toys available to women than people with penises

Do you think there are more toys available to women than people with penises?

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Oh, yes, absolutely.

>> Ruin Willow: Yeah, I do, too. I was talking about this with a, recent guest, and he's like, yeah, I just kind of feel like the male, you know, toys for penises just suck. They're just not very good.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: I think there's some really great toys out there, for penises, but it's just a matter. We have to think about this, right? The oldest, oldest vibrator, you know, were made for folks with vulvas. Right. For women at the time. So you have to understand, like, the evolution, you know, that was. Those were first. So with any evolutionary thing, there's going to be reiterations of that, and then, you know, then it's sort of the playing the catch up game, right, with penises. So they're like, okay, there was, you know, there was a, there was the blow up doll, I think that was like the it thing. So, so now that there is, you know, there's sleeves and there's way to enhance girth and there's, you know, cockering. So there's, you know, they've also come a ways, but there's definitely. I just saw another toy today that I was like, holy cow. Like, wow, that's. That seems like a great toy. Like, I'm like, I thought people thought of everything, but they just keep coming. Just more ideas, more.

>> Ruin Willow: More toys.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Awesome.

>> Ruin Willow: What was that one like? I'm curious.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: It was a toy where you, It looks sort of like the shape of a vulva, like this, and then. But basically, like, it's suction in, like, in this, like, suction between, like, the lips and whatnot and you place it. It's for strap on play. So you place it on the back suction of the suction dildo. You place it on the back of the dildo inside of your harness so that with every, I guess, thrust it will, you are basically kind of shoving your genitals into like the suction piece.

>> Ruin Willow: Wow.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Yeah.

>> Ruin Willow: Oh, that's very interesting. Yeah, I don't think I've ever seen that.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Right. I was like, interesting. Yeah. I'm gonna have, hopefully maybe that company send me one.

>> Ruin Willow: Right? Have you seen the, what is it? I think it's called the snail. I want to try the snail.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Have you seen the snail?

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Yeah, yeah, I have, there's an article that they quote me on all the time, but yeah, yeah, definitely have that one for sure.

>> Ruin Willow: It looks very interesting and I think it's, ah, you know, I think I get really bummed when I hear people say that their partner is scared of them or they just don't want to try them. Because I'm like, my gosh, you're just missing out on so much exploration and potential pleasure. It's just, it makes me sad when I hear things like that, you know, what do you suggest people do when, when they're in that kind of a situation where one partner really wants to try it and the other one's like, oh, I'm kind of scared of toys.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: I think the same, like I said before, you know, when someone's scared of anything, it's sort of like being able to soften them up. Like, hey, let's, you know, I think you have to take baby steps. Like, let's go to a sex shop and see if there's something you find and maybe it's something small and then, you know, work your way up. You know, you don't have to start with the 200 $300 gadget. You can, you know, find a small gadget, see how, you know, your bodies work with it, and, you know, get comfortable from there. but, you know, with anything that somebody is resistant on, you know, you have to, again, try to do baby steps. And if that doesn't work out, then, I don't know, find another lover.

>> Ruin Willow: Perhaps you're not compatible. Yeah, I don't know if you're not.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Necessarily compatible, but it does, it just means that maybe you'll have to play with yourself or if you're in a monogamous relationship or something like that. or leave it to fantasy. But I think it's really sad, honestly, when people are closed off and, yeah, I think it's just unfortunate. And it's stifling.

>> Ruin Willow: It is stifling.


Some people are scared of sex toys, but you can try them

And I just think about what they're missing out on. Like, I, I talked with this one guy and his wife is totally scared of all sex toys. And then she decided to try one and it didn't really do much for us. And then she's just even more shut down. I'm like, no, no, no, there's so many out there to try. You can't be like, okay, no, I don't like them now. Like, you know, it shut her down even more because she's like, well, I know, I don't, I didn't like that. There's so many out there. You got to try them.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Mm

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Exactly, exactly. And you know, toys, you know, and they aren't for everybody, you know, but you can try, there's lots of different kinds of toys, you know, and, you know, and that's okay. I was, playing with this woman who had never used toys before. She's like, I've never used a toy. And I was like, well, now, here's your opportunity. Right now we can try three, you know, and, you know, and she had a great time. And it's like, wow, I didn't realize, like, this would be great. It was like, yeah, you know, you don't have to, you know, it's okay, like, you know, just try it. Being curious. I think that's the, that's the way we gotta be.

>> Ruin Willow: And, another thing I suggest to some people is that if they're scared of them, start with something really simple. Like one of those massagers that are kind of also advertised for massaging other parts of your body, then maybe it's not quite so scary. And then you could be like, okay, well, you know, this is how it feels on your shoulder. And then try different parts. And maybe eventually you can be like, okay, can we try this on your genitals?

>> Marla Renee Stewart: You know, like, I'm not gonna lie, those are hardcore. So for anybody who's not used to a toy and they try those like magic wand massagers, those are pretty, those are pretty powerful. And so I probably would, I get like what you're saying. Like, you could put it on other parts of your body, but then you, your genitals, and then you're like, you know, it's sort of like, it's, it's a little too much, so.

>> Ruin Willow: Yeah, I can see that for people.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Yeah, so, yeah, it's, yeah, no, no, that's a hard one.

>> Ruin Willow: My first one was, was one of those and it was, I think it was a hitachi. And it looks kind of like a microphone.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Yeah.

>> Ruin Willow: But I was, I really loved the strength of it. So. And it probably also depends on what, you know, what you're going to respond to and if your body likes stronger pressure or less, what kind of stimulation you like. For me, I was like, wow, this is fantastic. And I loved it and it launched me into getting, I mean, now I probably have 70 some, m not anywhere near your level, but I have quite a few that I enjoy and I really like them all because some of them can be edgers, some of them can be finishers, and there's m such a wide range.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Yeah, absolutely, absolutely.

>> Ruin Willow: Now when you say the sucking one, you mean like the pulses? Like kind of like a. Yeah, the.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Air pulse or suction. Some of them are really suction. You know, something like the gender x. Right. Like is really suction, but, air pulse. Ah, same, yeah, they kind of feel like suction.

>> Ruin Willow: Right? Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's probably my top favorite too.


Always do the research. Munches are really great for education

so, you know, there's so many people out there that are in open to trying things and what kind of say somebody's like interested in a kink and they really want to try it. What do you suggest other than, you know, taking a class? Do you tell people, you know, just try it or do you tell them to read about it first? You know, obviously some sort of.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Always do the research. Always do the research. Always do the reading first. You know, there's some really great books like the ultimate guide to kink, by Tristan Terramino, or, you know, other kinds of like general kink 101 books that people can, you know, dive into. But I highly suggest, you know, reading, educating yourself, you know, first before, you know, diving straight in or going to a dungeon or play party or something like that, and going to a munch. Munches are really great for education. so, you know, going to a munch and seeing like, usually at a munch, there's someone hosting it, someone giving some education around, you know, a particular topic. So, yeah, I think, that would be fabulous. When people would do that first, before they.

>> Ruin Willow: How would a person go about finding about a munch? Like how would they even like, find that information out?

>> Marla Renee Stewart: well, you can ask like your local kink dungeon, maybe there might be some on their calendar. You can also go on Fetlife, which is kind of like the kink social networking site. fetlife.com that, you know, that's a way for people, to connect and find munches in their area and different events and things that are happening, you know, locally. So that's pretty much like the number one site to go to.

>> Ruin Willow: Oh, that's good to know. Yeah. Because I'm sure a lot of people are thinking, you know, well, I've never even heard of a munch. How would I even find one? So, yeah, that's definitely important.


Why is aftercare important? And what do you think

So we haven't touched at all on anything about aftercare. Why is aftercare important? And what do you think? are some key elements to that?

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Well, I think aftercare is important because it helps kind of round out the sexual or kink experience. Right. And so when we think about aftercare, we're really concerned about a person's well being and helping them get back to homeostasis because there's so much dope, so many happy hormones, right? The dopamine, the serotonin, the endorphins, like all the things that get you high and make you excited and euphoric, you know, you're going to come down off of. And so you really don't want to be left in a slump. So having physical aftercare, as well as emotional aftercare will help people kind, of, like I said, get back to homeostasis and get back to being in their body and back to reality, right. It's sort of like a nice gentle transition. So physical aftercare, you know, meaning, you know, people who, what do you call it?

>> Marla Renee Stewart: People who, goodness need, like showers or, you know, water or chocolate or juice or a blanket or whatever the case may be. That's sort of physical aftercare as opposed to emotional aftercare, you know, checking in, seeing how you're doing, or like reflecting on the experience. What did you like the most? What would you like to do again? What would you, you know, that kind of thing. And usually emotional aftercare takes place 24 hours or 48 hours afterwards as well. It's just being like, hey, how are you doing? You know, I just wanted to check in. Did you want to talk about maybe anything that could be improved? Right. This is the time where you can maybe take in a, some of that constructive criticism, maybe, about the experience that you probably wouldn't want to necessarily take in immediately after. So, yeah, aftercare is super, super important just to help ground us and to help us feel, like the experience is that closed and that we feel cared for. And, it's a good way to navigate those hormones that we've jacked up, you know?

>> Ruin Willow: Right, right. I kind of. It kind of seems like calling it intimacy strengthening would be an accurate statement.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Absolutely. Yeah. We call it aftercare because in kink it's just, it could be, you know, navigating bruises or putting ice pack on or, you know, that kind of thing. So I think, you know, the kink community, we've, as kinksters, you know, a lot of what we do has sort of bled out into mainstream society. And so I think a lot of people, you know, they use the term aftercare for, you know, cuddling afterwards or, you know, getting a sandwich or whatever the physical needs. so I think that's probably why, you know, there's, ah, that crossover.

>> Ruin Willow: I think it really shows one of the great things that. And then talking about consent, that kinky lifestyles or kinky ways of sexuality are, infiltrating the, you know, the entire sexual climate of our country because people are realizing that, you know, because we don't really talk about consent, but in kink situations you do. So I feel like that's kind of a really good influence. I don't know about you if you think that, but I think it's. Those are really good influences, is even if you're not into any kind of kinks, if you're, I mean, what you probably are, you're just not expressing them, but you know, just. Just, infiltrating into, you know, everyone's everyday sex life.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Yeah, absolutely. I. Yeah, I think a lot of those things we have to take into consideration, like negotiating sex. Right. Sometimes people are just like, jumping in, they're like, well, I'm just, you know, they're just jumping into sex. And I'm like, but if you negotiated, like, what you want to do and how you want to do it and what kind of dirty talk you want to hear, you would have so much more of an elevated sexual experience rather than a. I, ah, don't know, let's just see, you know.

>> Ruin Willow: Right.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: And you'll be able to get what you want out of the situation. Right. You are negotiating. So if someone wants something, you can talk about, hey, maybe I don't do that. Or maybe we can try this, right? Like, I think when we have, these conversations, that is the way to connect us better, more. And we can learn so much more about other people's bodies when we engage in that conversation ahead of time.

>> Ruin Willow: Right. And I think that does two things. It builds anticipation and it adds to satiation.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Mm.

>> Ruin Willow: Yeah, absolutely. Oh, that's fascinating. I love that.


Marla Stewart encourages people to try things at least three times

So is there anything that we haven't talked about yet that you wanted to say or mention, and then also mention where everybody can find more information about you? I'll put the links down in the podcast show notes as well.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Yeah, absolutely. well, you know, I just really encourage people to try things at least three times. So. Three times you're just kind of like, no, you know, I'm, as an athlete, I'm like, just try three times. And if it's strike three, then yeah, it's out. But it's only out for maybe five years or maybe ten years, come back to it because your changes, you're different. You've, you know, come to, your whole evolution, come back to it and see if you like it again. You know what I mean? And so I really just encourage people to try things at least three times before giving a definitive no and then have that know, maybe lifted, you know, five to ten years later, depending on, you know, what's happening in your life, and see if you want to try that thing again. But I just encourage people to stay curious. and as for your social media, people can find me, ah, at velvetlipssed, that sex without the e or velvetlipsexed.com. and you can find me, at ah, one Marla Stewart, on, all social media. And also if you're interested in going to my sex conference, sexdown south, you can go to sexdownsouth.com. and if you're interested in kink, we have ah, raceandkink.com, which talks all about the intersections of race and kink and all the lovely, kinky things that people do. So, those are the ways to, predominantly reach me.

>> Ruin Willow: Awesome advice and fantastic resources. Thank you for what you do. Thank you for chatting with me. It's been a pleasure to meet you and keep doing what you're doing, because the world needs it.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: It awesome. Thank you so much, Rowan. I appreciate you having me on.

>> Ruin Willow: You have an amazing day. Bye bye bye.

>> Marla Renee Stewart: Thanks.